Guest blog from ‘Paul’ – a man whose marriage ended because of his wife’s menopause.
Sadly there is no research about depression and suicide in men at this life stage (there’s little enough about women). More must be done. I invite you to read ‘Paul’s’ story (not his real name). You may recognise a similar situation in your own relationship. Get advice, talk to us or other experienced menopause/relationship counsellor – Kathryn Colas
25 years together
17 years married
Divorced
Without question, my marriage breakdown was the single most painful period of my life and it has taken many years to rebuild.
We always think it can’t happen to us. Like many people, I imagined divorced couples to be the kind of people I wasn’t or could never be.
I thought ‘the others’ must have drifted apart or simply that they did not have similar values to mine.
Time has been a great healer for me and our daughter, now in her early twenties. It has enabled me to see what happened to my marriage.
And early menopause was the trigger – it impacted everything. It may sound to some that I am blaming the menopause outright all too quickly for my divorce. Whilst it’s true that there were other life challenges to contend with, like losing a parent and not being able to have more children, there is no doubt in my mind that our struggle to deal with menopause was ultimately what destroyed everything. I say it was ‘our’ struggle because it was. At the time I had no ability to fully understand what was going on, how to help or what to do about it.
Love’s young dream
We met as teenagers. The girl I knew was full of energy, always rushing around with many activities going, enjoyed with a very wide group of friends. At times she was so effervescent it was hard to calm her down! The attraction was instant. My moods could be lower and people remarked how we seemed to balance each other out in many ways. We married in our twenties and our daughter arrived three years later, but she was to be our first and last because although the birth went well, we were told that she couldn’t have any more children due to low ‘FSH’. Early menopause had arrived really early.
This was a shock and we both entered a period of mourning for the large family we couldn’t have, despite being gifted a beautiful daughter and a new life to look forward to. After three rounds of IVF treatment, we decided enough was enough.
Menopause and HRT
Everything started to accelerate some years later when my ex was in her late thirties. She threw herself into her work and started to spend more time away. Whilst she had always had many different balls in the air and a whole series of activities on the go with friends, family and at our daughter’s school, some were dropped quite suddenly. She became distant, less interested in our home and the intimacy in our marriage waned until it almost completely disappeared. I felt I was becoming sidelined.
Then she started HRT and it was as if there was a completely negative downward spiral in character. She became not just irritable or snappy but confrontational and aggressive. I remember putting our 12-year-old daughter to bed one night and she asked me if Mummy had been abducted by aliens! The false accusations began and arguments could get out of control. It felt like I was being goaded into making a serious mistake. I could be backed into a corner by an angry pointing finger one minute and the next I was trying to console a heaving mountain of tears or a quietly sobbing soul curled up in a chair. This was a completely different person to the one I had known before. I soon discovered that my ex had entered a relationship with another man. I was crushed.
Her new partner had been a boyfriend when she was just sixteen at school. She began to spend weekends away from home before eventually she pulled the ejector seat and left completely. My darkest days began. I had to take sleeping pills at night and my doctor told me I was suffering from extreme anxiety – I had thoughts of self-harm. I went to Relate on my own and received some counselling but neither the doctor or counsellor spoke to me about the menopause. My ex had an affair – that’s why I was feeling like I was…right?!
To regain control of my life I petitioned for divorce on the grounds of adultery. My ex is now living alone with her dog and recently told our daughter that she believes she went mad.
Life after menopause
Time does heal but my scars are deep. I believe now that there is no coincidence that divorce rates are high during the menopause. It’s not always ‘because he ran away with the Au Pair’, although this does happen too! I’ve read that like in my situation, separation is more often instigated by women.
One thing I know for sure is that hormones are extremely powerful. I also think that HRT may only make things worse not better for some from a psychological point of view. It’s not a ‘one size fits all’ therapy. Some women I’ve spoken to since have told me that it just made them feel ‘very strange’!
If I had been given some advice and guidance that some women do actually appear to go mad and that the menopause can cause extreme behaviours and outcomes, I believe my journey might not have been so traumatic.
I would have appreciated some help from other men too and I believe we should be included in the conversation.
That’s what I’d like to see – a couple’s approach to menopause so that the woman has the support and help she needs to get through it and also the partner is given the support they need to understand and help where they can. Emotionally, it can be very traumatic and damaging but the right education, preparation, understanding and of course more conversation in general about menopause would be very beneficial.
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My wife started what call MENTAL PAUSE not menopause. We are a divorce now she blamed for cheating recording her putting GPS on her car. None of this was true but some how her friends and my daughter believed her. I made a big mistake in telling her to go for help I became the villain in her life story. It went on for 2 years she lost job at the bank my fault. PLEASE if any man reads this stand by your let someone else tell her or let figure it out on her own never tell her sister or friends! Eventually she will realize their is a problem then help her make the decision to get help. After 24 years marriage I still love my wife but she can’t even look at me without calling me a cheating backstabber.
I have to ask what exactly will be the result of someone else telling her how you feel? Do you think we like feeling this way because we absolutely hate it! Not having the support of your husband is the worst. I feel alone, I cry a lot and my husband seems to be so wrapped up in his feelings that yea I feel like I hate him. I’m just wandering how old a man has to be to feel empathy for his wife that isn’t able to wait on his anymore?
Terry i know exactly what you’re going through. My husband is emotionally absent. He believes it’s a dark spell and he just has to patiently wait it out and one miraculous day I’m going to be exactly the same person as when he met me. Ill be doting and over eager to please hin again. Things will be back to his “normal”.
In the meantime i cry myself to sleep, i have never felt so lonely my whole lufe. If i bring it up, his comeback is ALWAYS how lonely HE is and that I’ve changed for the worst. Not once a caring word, my wife how are yoy feeling? Are you coping? I’m actually through menopause and in harmony with everyone around me but i have so much resentment for him cause he was never there for me. To me he has taken on the role of a provider only. He feels like a flat mate. I cant go anywhere,so this is the way it is and he will forever have this hope that I’m going to return to the 25 year old he married.
This is a long and extremely lonely road.
Hi Terri, I’ve never responded to anything like this before but whilst looking at was I can help my wife I stumbled across this.
When my wife was told by the GP she was menopausal she came home and cried (due to Covid I couldn’t go) the starting point was a bad bleed which lasted for several weeks and unfortunately I did not notice, night shifts etc. This is something I beat myself up for every day as my wife says I should have known and I wasn’t there for her. When she came home from the doctors she said she felt useless and couldn’t even do what a woman was supposed to do so we hugged and both cried. I could see that these feelings went very deep, beyond just a feeling, right to her core. I contacted several groups on FB to try and get information on how to support my wife but it was difficult as they all had a women only policy. I did find one site for men but from what I could see it was just men bitching and moaning about their wives and that’s not what men, or women need. One medical professor that I found Giving a video lecture online about the menopause did respond to my email and has been extremely helpful and sent me a message explaining all the phases, symptoms and how to help. My wife and I sat down and read through it together and there were more tears but we discussed the symptoms she knew she was suffering from and we went online and bought cooling gel pillows, knee pillows and silent fans for the night time as well as herbal teas and additional exercise gear. We talked all the time about how she was and I made sure to be thoughtful and understanding. I have 5 older sisters so spoke to them about what they had been through so I could support my wife through what I was being told was a scary and confusing time. My wife has been amazing through the 15 years together and we had an amazing bond. We sat and put together a bucket list of all the things she has ever wanted to do so we were always planning something special, swimming with dolphins, learn to ski, skate on a frozen lake, scuba dive in the Maldives, she even saved my life when I nearly drowned snorkelling so I owe this woman my life. As time went on we seemed ok but she would become uncontrollably angry with me at the drop of a hat, I wouldn’t need to have done or said anything but it was always about not noticing her bleeding and not being there for her at the start. I took it, and hugged her when the anger turned to tears and she would say sorry, just give me time. These anger outbursts got more regular and I’ll be honest with you Terri, sometimes they were hard to take. She said I’d ruined her life, she couldn’t look at me without wanting to punch me in the face and the thought of me touching her made her sick. I knew she didn’t mean it as 30 minutes later she would cry and we’d hug. This was all going on during lockdown and we were both working from home, her in the conservatory and me, nights and days in the spare room. I have always been the main cook so I cooked, we’re both Vegan, and we carried on talking about how she was etc. Then one morning she woke up and just said she needed space and time on her own. I was taken aback but I’d read that this can happen as oestrogen falls and Oxytocin levels drop to the point there is no loving feeling left but I’d hoped that as we were still very mech cuddly on the sofa, brushing her hair kind of close still we may not see this part. Anyway within an hour she had packed and left. At the start we text every morning and every night and during the day and spoke to each other a bit like you do on holiday, but as time has gone on she has slowly stopped texting or coming round. We have got together a few times and had nice times together, walking, talking, no blame issue or pleading her to come back. I’ve tried to respect her need for space and time but she just seems to be totally shutting me out now and her relationship with our daughter(my step daughter) and my son (her step son) has suffered. She was so close to her daughter before but now hardly contacts her and has not contacted my son at all. He texts her to just say, I hope you are ok, but gets no response. Most of her belongings are still at home and she now lives with her single friend and her friends 5yo girl. She has now got really bad memory issues and brain fog. Initially she denied she was menopausal and could not remember the doctors visit or crying or our talks so unfortunately she started to say it was our relationship was what drove her away. She says we didn’t do anything with our lives and that I picked on her and put her down. All our friends know this is not true as she has always told them what a wonderful life she has. She has now been back to the gp, for the brain foggiest and memory issues, and he has told her she has been menopausal for 9 months now as it’s in her notes. She said she didn’t tell him about the anger or night sweats, low mood or crying as it comes and goes so it caNot be relevant to the menopause. She has also only told 4 or 5 people she has left. I am determined to be there for her even though it would save me a great deal of pain to walk away, but I did promise to be there in sickness and in health and for better or worse when we married and she has been a great wife, friend and partner and it’s the lest she deserves. The way she is suffering is 100 times worse than my pain. I’m advised to try and maintain contact so as she doesn’t feel abandoned and I text her now and again to tell her I’m here for her and the door is always open. It’s a fine line between maintaining contact and giving her space. I don’t get heavy in my texts, I try to reassure her and tell her shes smart and beautiful. have suggested relationship counselling but she doesn’t want to do that as she has a very dark view of or relationship so I have been going on my own. I’m doing a CBT course and going to the gym and learning new things not to try and forget but to pass the time and stay strong so I’m there for her should she want to talk. It’s our anniversary this week and I know I won’t get a card but I will still send one to her. I have written a letter to put inside to say I’m positive we can work through this together, we have a good future and I’m here if she wants to talk. I’ve asked her to write down all the things that worry her about everything going on and about us and I’ve suggested meeting up to discuss her concerns. I’m sure she will not want to and I’ll still be shut out but I’m 100%convinced I need to see this through and be there for her if she needs me. This lady I speak to in Australia said it’s a good idea if I can continue to take the rejection as it’s likely she doesn’t know herself how she really feels and could start to feel better and see clearer over time. So I guess the point of my reply is that even men who try still get pushed away and only those who truly see the value of their wives and the magnitude of what they are going through and are prepared to take abuse, rejection and put up wit their own turmoil can make it without there being more help and advice more readily available for all parties involved.i hope things are good with you Terri.
You message gave me hope for my wife and I, my wife is one of the few that experiences menopause in her mid 20s so you can say we were surprised none the less. My fault was not seeing things 2 years earlier when the first signs started to develop. I ignored the signs so long that it drove my wife to believe that I no longer loved her and in our first conversation about us drifting apart after the two years of both of us ignoring the tell tale signs of something being wrong, she basically told me our relationship was a lost cause and that since the day we married she felt like we made a mistake. I’ve never felt so crushed in my life. But knowing I’m not alone and reading others experiences gives me hope and reassurance that there’s a chance that we make it through this. The knowledge I have gotten from reading other men’s experiences have been very helpful.
Wow. I’m in that hole right now. Your experiences mirror image mine in so many ways, the affair included.
She was the most outstanding soul I’d ever met. Compassion, empathy, love and selflessness were drenched within her very being. Then the menopause came and we lost her. Well, she’s still here, but going very soon now. She has been my life for over twenty years., I have no plan B. I believed we were growing old together, side by side, shoulder to shoulder…and that there was no other route in existence.
My two sons ( 22 & 19 ) will stay here with me. They’re done with her. And this ,after all those years of togetherness, family harmony and love. Its all so truly heartbreaking.
With regard to my wife, an imposter is at the helm. For me, the future looks pretty bleak.
Same situation here but I knew my X wife very well and I knew things were never going to be the same. I hate that your dealing with the hostile environment, but it seems you have to come to a cross road and make a choice and its entirely your decision. My decison was to end an 18 year marriage. Its not easy and since life has ups and downs, but it has had ups! With her, it became all downs. Your dream of happily ever after is no more so you need to decide how to proceed. The older you get, the more youll realize how short life really is. Nine years later Im reading a book on codependency and realizing my marriage should have been ended much sooner but hind sight is always 20-20. Goodluck Sir -choose happy or atleast the happier for you.
Men Like you restore my faith that there are deeply caring, thoughtful, sensitive men out there. What a wonderful Husband you are. I hope that your wife recovers from this and realises how special you are.
Hi,
My wife started going through Menopause at age 46; i was 49. That was 8 years ago. It Started a year or two earlier with mental fuzziness but then in April ‘12, she became confrontational, and aggressive. It was a total shock. Came into kitchen one evening and asked whether i was going to be ‘in’ the next morning for the Post; as ‘her solicitor’ would be writing to me. I couldn’t believe it. It totally destroyed us. First Divorce was in 2012 but she stopped it after 3 months; we staggered on for another 18 months and she went for Divorce a 2’ time and i had to leave my home. 6 months later, she refused to go for the final decree again and i ‘was allowed’ to return home. We have sat in silence and resentment every day since. Hrt reduced some of her physical problems but had no obvious impact on the mental problems.
Today my wife is 54; she is nasty, vicious, cold & uncaring. The warm caring partner of 23 years is long gone. We are not divorced, we still live together but life has changed completely. In the 2years before the Menopause started, my wife texted me approx 3,000 times…ie about 30 times a week..ie ‘where are you now?’….will we meet at such & such?’
Now i get maybe 10 per year; all loving communication is gone. She is unable to be warm or kind; everything is a plot to get her & she is by times devious and calculating or paranoid. The menopause altered her personality completely and although i’ve waited for my wife to come bac for the past 8 years, it’s only recently that i’m understanding that she never will. The Change is just that. Permanent.
Wow. Thanks to all the guys who shared. It has meant alot to me as Ive also had a hard time since my divorce after 18 years with an early menopause situation. I did my best to keep my ex wife happy… I didnt have alot of money but worked extra jobs to support the family. She became distant and cold and met someone at her job she was messing around on. The kids were often ignored or she was unnessarily mean to them. It was heart breaking. Ive always felt it was somehow my fault but I never knew what more I could have done to make her happy. I was always faithful and always thought this would be the lady I grew old with. Life was turned up side down. Relatiionships seem much harder now for many reasons. Until I read these posts, I never had a clue as ti what have gone wrong. She lives less than five miles from me and ro this day we atill dont speak and shes not involved with our childrens lives. Its a shame.
Hang in there buddy. Life goes on and you must to. Ive picked up thw pieces and moved on the best I can but we will always have emotional scars because qe invested uears towards an end goal of happiness. Now, we must make the moast of what we can. Yes, its a raw deal, no its not always easy, but thats the hand we are left to deal with. It will get better… But its going to take effort.
Wow, this is what has happened to my relation with my wife. We were always extremely close and loving with each other. We always held hands and touched no matter where we we were. I would look at other couples and feel sorry for them that they did not have what my wife and I had. In her early 40’s my wife had to have a hysterectomy because of endometriosis. Shortly after that the wonderful wife I knew for 22 years went away. Now some other woman occupies my wife’s body. That woman is very difficult to get along with and very cold. Even my three children ask me what’s wrong with mom. HRT does not help. Sometimes I think that makes things worse.
I was looking forward to growing old with this wonderful woman who was my best friend for 22 years. We have now been married for 26 years and the last 4 have not been good. In the past 4 years she has told me she is not in love with me anymore. But still says she loves me. She has accused me of cheating , which I never have. She has wanted to move out. She will not kiss me anymore. I don’t want a divorce but can’t see us staying together like this. Thanks for letting me vent.
One of the Admins here is in the process of creating a group specifically for men on Facebook in the near future. We’re all in this together and we need solidarity through each other because our world as we new it, has turned the sh*t
Thank you to everyone who has contributed to ken’s post. It’s helped me feel like I’m not alone anymore !!!
P’S- Could an Admin tell me the name of that Menopause book again please ? I received an email a few weeks back giving me the name of it but I can’t find it. Thanks.
Hi Steve – yes you can get the book here on the website here is the link How to Survive Menopause Without Losing Your Mind
I met my wife on Thursday called her Friday and we were engaged Sunday. 28 years ago. All seemed fine and over the years we worked together and only argued 10 times at the most. She went back to finish her degree and started getting g short and mean. I really didn’t notice as much as our kids did. We moved back to Alabama for a job change and to be closer to our aging mothers. She seemed to start getting lost and distant and I suggested she get a job so she can socialize with others during the day. She reached out to an ex boyfriend from college who terrorized her. She said she was retiring be a better person and help him through some tough times and she found victim pain and resentment she got rid of. I do believe they are not involved as he lives 5 hours away but during the time of hot flashes, might sweats, massive hair loss in the shower she denies she has anything wrong. She’s 51 and is in perimenopause. She won’t consider any treatment I purchased a supplement based on the Mayo Clinic’s number 1 choice and printed out all of the supporting information and she still hasn’t read it or taken it. My daughter begged for her to see a therapist or someone to talk to but nothing. On August 3 she told me she loves me, likes me, but is not in love with me. She’s so lost she said she wants a divorce and needs to find herself. She said she doesn’t want to try because she doesn’t have them type of feelings for me any more. August 27 we signed papers wanting no alimony, none of our assets just out for a fresh start and is moving 2 hours away. I had no clue this was coming. Everyone who has been in our lives for 28 years is shocked. She has only reached out to sone of her family who has not been involved in our life’s and doesn’t see the change. I know am a lost man wondering where my wife, friend, lover and partner in crime went. I will put my life on hold with hopes she will find herself on this journey of discovery and the path will bring her back to me.
Hi, I know this is a males prospective (post), however, it’s starting to happen to me. I am a 41 year old female and I’m so scared of loosing my partner. I love him so much but at the same time I want to run away from him and my children. It’s so hard going through this as you don’t know what the hell you want and who the hell you are anymore. It is like you’re being possessed. I know my partner is getting fed up, we love each other dearly and people have been envious of what we have/had. (I’m not sure if it’s still there) it’s the one that’s changes. I’m miserable, I do t sting and struggle to feel connected to anyone, let alone my partner. My labido has gone to live on the moon. The struggle is real. I hate life for what it’s done to me. I want my old self back. I miss her just as much as my partner does. Why do we have to go through this!! Please bare with her! She might just come back. I hope I do
Thanks for sharing this . It’s kind of a pattern I see here where marriages that have remained resilient through the years despite misunderstandings , discord , possessiveness, an instance of my extra marital affair that I confided to her and other routine challenges gets beaten in the face of a menopause that turns the family lives helter skelter . After knowing my spouse for 35 years well and married for 26 years with two lovely kids – 25 & 23 year old boys I was preparing to coast the fag end of my career and ease into early retirement with the love of my life . The disaster strikes . We were living away from each other for 5 years as she wanted to set up and run a business in Florida . Supporting her through these 5 years financially and providing moral support with trips to go see her periodically I chose to raise the kids and send them to university while she was busy building the business . The kids completed university and we all even went on a family cruise spending time joyfully .
It was my 50 th birthday and our 25 th wedding anniversary year when one day , my kids sat us down and let me know that mom had someone else in her life she was interested in and it was down hill then on as she confided that something happened and she is leaving town to go live with her childhood Friend . She packed her bags and asked for the house to be sold and left country .
It’s now a year since then . Battling through a life threatening kidney disease caused by high BP , a road accident with two cars in total loss ( thank God none of the family members were injured ) , fighting an insurance claim etc and now the COVID pandemic has only made me resolve more to turn to God absolutely surrendering my will . The last year has seen me go from alcoholism to psychological counselling . As they say , the chosen ones that endure are the ones God tests most and I turned to yoga , meditation and exercises . My support systems with a lovely responsible children and and extended family and a few friends have helped me recover , redeem and look forward .
I will only wish her my ex peace , health and happiness and pray that she deals with her menopause and depression by consulting medical experts and we as family are there to support her through her recovery .
I do realize life is short and I need to do self care and ensure the sanity of the family is retained in good shape . Well , I don’t blame it on menopause , it’s karma and this experience I share with others so they catch the early signs and love their dear spouse through the 40 s and 50s as they did in their 20s .
Best wishes Kumar
Oh yeah, and Ken. Thank you SO much !!!
I started peri menopause and spoke openly to my husband about the revolting experience. He was very supportive and told me to get the best specialist money could buy. He backed me up after the practice gynaecologist refused hormones with a smirk and told me to take vitamins. After a fortnight of my insomnia and crying all day, he begged me to book an appointment.
Every time I visit the specialist, he is with me and taking an interest.
We were married after peri started and as we got in the car to drive to the registry office, he ran into the house and lobbed my estradiol gel in my lap, just in case I needed it.
No sex at present as he is recovering from a circumcision, but my sex drive is great because my specialist prescribes testosterone.
I am going through a living hell at the moment with menopause. It completely changes how you feel about yourself, your self esteem plummets and basically you feel like you are losing your mind. Never mind the anxiety, panic attacks, rages, histerical crying body aches insomnia plus everything else us women have to deal with. My family are being Brilliant with me and the only advice I can give to you men is to be patient love your wives and always talk and listen to her. Do not blame yourself for the situation but do not blame her either. It is her HORMONES not her. Its puberty but in reverse everything that made us women is being sucked out of us. Biologically we would die years ago around menopause age. Mother nature sucks for women! But if you truly love her hang in there.x
Oh my gosh, girl!!! You get it. I literally feel like I am losing my sanity! I have seen my primary care providers and they don’t seem to really understand the hell I am experiencing. I hate who I’ve become and I don’t know how to fix it. I cry at the drop of a dime and turn into a raving lunatic if my husband says something I don’t agree with. That poor man. I’m terrified that our marriage is doomed because of menopause. I don’t know what to do.
25 years
23 of those years married
Menopause came
She got involved saying he listens to men
She moved In and filed for divorce
The guy put her out and married someone else
, I went got remarried later
She has apologized but still gets anger saying I had a good wife…as though I choose to leave
I shares this to say..her menopause came at 40 and she lost focused
Hi: my wife just turn 49 (I’m 45) and been together for 14 years, (she have a 18 year old from a previous marriage) and we have a little surprise together (5 year old girl) when I meet her i knew i was for a challenge, she had a character but on her way she was very nice and sweet little woman. suddenly November 18 2019 the woman I woke up that morning was someone completely different, for a period of time she became really mean with her daughter (oldest) at the point they have fights daily and for the most stupid reasons (leaving a cup in the left of the cabinet and not in the right) or insisting on her to date a friend’s son wish my stepdaughter was not interested at all. To have a full meltdown that make her take the car in the middle of winter and left to disappear for 2 hrs. just because her daughter refuse to take the boy out and I refuse to leave the house because it wasn’t her more successful financial year and she want it to try better fortune been alone …after that meltdown she was again another person. This time suddenly she became super attached and confident with our oldest more like a friend and dedicate the full amount of her time to our youngest (before its was more me spending time with both, specially the oldest whom I rise since she was 5 and with our common daughter was usual to her (my wife)to pinned my little one on my no matter how tired I was from work she demanded to me to spend all the time left before she went to bed. To the point that I have been sick twice (covid suspicion turned to be a bad flu) that it’s like I dont exist, it’s like I’m not there, we went vacations with a group of friends she share more time with them than me. I mean I was alone all the time completely ignore in activities to the point that I got lost for about 1 hour and she did not care despised my friend looking for me. I have slowly become a piece of furniture
in the house and as happens with teenagers my oldest is taking full advantage of this and not participating in any family activities always with a excuse my wife always supports. Also stop sleeping with me.because i made to much noise at night (never was an issue until a year a go) to the fact than now she wants to look for a job even after told her to do it 10 years a go and she refused even got mad with me. I have spoke with her about the changes she is going (and she is ) trough menopause but she does not think it’s the big deal, there are many other situations very uncomfortable ones we have passed and she seems oblivious to the more obvious things like i feel lonely and an the replacement of a routine of exercise up to 2 hrs instead of sex and when finally stay to talk to her after dinner she focus on the kids or watching soaps. And in our last trip one of my work colleagues kind of insinuate to her was way to obvious to everyone but for her was not. And tell me its not a big deal … its difficult I have read so many histories and each one is different but for what I see the end result is the same…. there is a book or audio.taht can guide me trough this…??? My work also is very stressful. And.is difficult to deal with 2 thing like that at the same time specially with your significant other blind at the situation you are.
God bless
Hello All! I actually stumbled on this post while I was searching for how to deal with all of these changes on my own. I have been married for 8 years now. About two and a half years ago, he checked out in a physical way. He also has severe anger issues and flies off the handle in a verbally abusive way While he has never been super affectionate, it had come to a dead stop. He blames my family and friends being in my life as a reason he has resentment for me. In November of 2019 I was taken to ER by my sister feeling like I was having a heart attack. I was released by the drs found nothing wrong and my heart in great shape. The next week more things started happening: severe anxiety and panic; breathing issues, horrific heart palpaltations with chest and arm pain and headaches and they have not stopped at all for a year. Peri menopause had struck me in all of the wort ways! I feel stripped and cheated out of a good life. He has taken me to the ER a few times and to the doctor but every time throws it back in my face that he has to do it. He also knows I have dizziness from the head fog and that I have severe symptoms and often times steers clear of me afraid that I may ask him for help. That is distressing and makes me feel very alone. Although I physicAlly do not want to be alone for fear of dying due to the pains and suffering , I can’t deal with this and that too. I am reading your stories of support and how you tried and it breaks me down. This is all I want. Someone who is willing to listen, to hug me and make me feel safe when nothing feels that way anymore for me. Even as all of our stories are ending in heartbreak, I want to thank all of the men on here for sharing your stories and for the efforts you made. It matters and it is also encouraging that men like you exist. God is in control am I pray that we all find peace and the unconditional love that we all deserve. Peri menopause has not made me mean. It’s made me sad. Good luck to us all.
Hi Lea, thank you for commenting, we have tried to contact you via email to offer support but the email bounced back. Please do contact us at enquiries@simplyhormones.com
Another partner to a wonderful woman who I’m absolutely certain is in the early stages of menopause. Last December after a row over a situation that I knew she was unhappy about, she declared she wanted a divorce. No talking about it, no discussion, that was it. Some days it seems I just can’t say or do anything right. She’s said and done things in relation to our daughter that would of horrified her a year ago. I’ve relegated to the spare room for the last 9 months. She won’t even consider that menopausal changes might be at play here, was I a perfect husband, of course not, I’m human after all. I had read about the possible impact of menopause on our marriage but what has happened has been a complete surprise to me
Hi, i feel you bro, in some women menopause is the equivalent to been hit hard in the frontal lobe, they personality changes, that lovely partner who just to hold hands is gone (some make a come back with the right treatment) but the issue is they will not seek professional help, in my experience is the fear of admitting they are getting old, so far I’m holding there … eventually she will have no choice but to see a doctor, this past year ask me twice to leave to later change her mind with no recollection to ever done it…. if you love your partner hold tight eventually everything will sort out for better or for worse. Cheers
Leaving a comment due to my email was wrong
Wow, really? Did it ever occur to any of the men that perhaps after years of putting up with their spouses bullshit the women have finally had enough? I asked for a divorce and my husband blamed menopause. It couldn’t possible be because he rarely does ANYTHING around the house to lighten my load and it has been this way for going on five years now. I take out the garage, mow the lawn, do all the household repairs, work part time (and make the same as he does full time), care for the three children and so on. He works and watches TV all day or reads comics or plays video games. He won’t even bathe after work, but gets angry that I don’t want to have sex with him. I have tried for years to explain why I need help and he tells me “you only work 24 hours a week and I work 40, therefore, you should do the work. I don’t have time”. He doesn’t seem to understand that caring for children and a household IS a full time job in and of itself. So men, if your wife has lost interest in you sexually or is being a mean tyrant or crying, instead of taking the easy way ( and sexist) out and blaming hormones, perhaps take a look at your own behavior and see how you may have contributed to the problem. Take a good hard look in the mirror men, It isn’t all our fault.
Hello, after reading your post I think you are right ( not been sarcastic) every person is different and they have they’re own necessities, may sound strange or looks like I’m been a douche but I see what you mean, my lovely partner for the past 15 years maybe got tired of me telling her every day I love her, complementing her in every little thing she does (dinner, attention to details, how a good mother she is, ) and also that no matter how much she physically she has change, that for me still the very attractive person I meet all those year a go… maybe I had said that too much for too long and in this difficult time of change those words have become that…. just words… and she is tired of “my shit” thanks you for helping me to see that (for real)
Not every couple here has the same family dynamics, the continuing rant and blame shifting is childish. A war path to justifie a swollen attitude, . Good luck with that, little angel statistcs show menapausal divorce up to 60% i look in the mirror to consider the thing i can change. Women spend more time in the mirror for vanity diva
Yes! I felt this deep within my soul! I’m not gonna lie that menopause has gotten the best of me at times. However, my husband also is one who says, “Wow, your emotions are all over the place. Don’t you think it’s just your menopause?” No, no it’s not! Your drinking, lack of empathy, not caring, self centered egotistic being is what is wrong with me. Some men just can’t see how full of them selves they actually are until it’s to late. Problem is, I have told him countless times over the past 6 years what I need from him. What I want from him. I don’t sugar coat it. Why is he not listening.? Why is he not learning? I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him know these things and yet, once in a huge great while he will miraculously do one little thing and then does for himself like a reward….. That just totally defeats the purpose. Yes, I have major mood swings. I had my last period when I was 39 and I’m now 44. Menopause is so hard on a woman. We don’t need the added stress from the spouse of blaming everything in menopause. Take responsibility for your actions as well.
Amen to that !!
Here is my story I meant a very nice girl she was 48 at the time I didn’t feel it at first since I just got out of a hurtful relationship. We got together a few times but I still wasn’t ready to do this all over again. She sent me letters and mail that I simply thru away. We eventually got together took nice trips and fell in love. She got a bunch of money from her divorce so I wasn’t used to someone paying there way so that was nice. She claimed she couldn’t get pregnant and insisted we have unprotected sex for this reason. She told me she couldn’t get pregnant because she hasn’t had her period in a year but it still scared me and I covered my butt. This was an issue for her. She treated me awesome we had a good time. Last December I worked a lot working for a delivery company. She was ok with that at this time we were basically living together 30 minutes from my house. After peak season January and February were good then the COVID crisis my job exploded with work I stayed at my house for a while 3 minutes for my work didn’t seem to b an issue then she got the COVID virus so we seperated again. I continually worked a lot in the extreme heat al summer and was simply worn out at the end of the day so I went home and crashed. At the time we were talking about diamonds buying a retirement home etc. I noticed she was getting a lot nasty and irritable and I was stressed from work and got a sick feeling in my gut listening to her smart remarks. Then last week I get the definant call saying it’s over. She went from treating me like gold to being nasty. She slept a lot all the time and was irritable it this menopause. Please talk I’m struggling bad. She’s 49 btw.
I thought I was the only one, even when she asked for divorced … I saw the symptoms coming but never thought she Will have all this events, at time it was like a switch her mood changed on and off… lawyers are there to divorce, family counseling are there trying to get results but talking about “ menopause” its like talking nonsense but in reality does a woman realized all the patterns and results ?
Do they regretted at some point trying to get back their life that was ruin due to this condition?
Whoah! For the ones saying that a woman will never come back from this or be the sweet girl you use to know is gone for good, that is NOT true. NOT true at all! Not for all of us at least. I didn’t even realize what was going on with me until my mom & a friend/supervisor talked to me about it. It’s not just all about hot flashes & the jokes that come along. My mood swings were so out of control between menopause & going through other health issues like RA,Lupus, and Fibromyalgia on top of THE CHANGE, my boyfriend of 12 years has decided he had enough of me. 🙁 I have never been so heartbroken and now all I do is cry and lose sleep when he doesn’t come home early or comes home so late on the weekends. I totally hate myself right now because I feel like a complete failure in our relationship. Anyway, LONG story short, I spoke with my doctor and she gave me a few referral to counseling and may be put on Prozac until my menopause is over. I know I can do this. I just pray I can win back his love for me!
Don’t assume that all men are like your husband. Most of the men I know would not treat there wife that way.
Menopause is no excuse for irrational, abusive,and panic . Behavior. All humans have many life stages and changes. It is up to the indavidual to understand and move forward. I support my wife as muchas possible. Anger panic, and anxiety cancel my effort. There are many options on how to handle menopause. Husband punching bag is not one of them. Also completly inconsiderate to husband and any other random victum