Guest blog from ‘Paul’ – a man whose marriage ended because of his wife’s menopause.
Sadly there is no research about depression and suicide in men at this life stage (there’s little enough about women). More must be done. I invite you to read ‘Paul’s’ story (not his real name). You may recognise a similar situation in your own relationship. Get advice, talk to us or other experienced menopause/relationship counsellor – Kathryn Colas
25 years together
17 years married
Divorced
Without question, my marriage breakdown was the single most painful period of my life and it has taken many years to rebuild.
We always think it can’t happen to us. Like many people, I imagined divorced couples to be the kind of people I wasn’t or could never be.
I thought ‘the others’ must have drifted apart or simply that they did not have similar values to mine.
Time has been a great healer for me and our daughter, now in her early twenties. It has enabled me to see what happened to my marriage.
And early menopause was the trigger – it impacted everything. It may sound to some that I am blaming the menopause outright all too quickly for my divorce. Whilst it’s true that there were other life challenges to contend with, like losing a parent and not being able to have more children, there is no doubt in my mind that our struggle to deal with menopause was ultimately what destroyed everything. I say it was ‘our’ struggle because it was. At the time I had no ability to fully understand what was going on, how to help or what to do about it.
Love’s young dream
We met as teenagers. The girl I knew was full of energy, always rushing around with many activities going, enjoyed with a very wide group of friends. At times she was so effervescent it was hard to calm her down! The attraction was instant. My moods could be lower and people remarked how we seemed to balance each other out in many ways. We married in our twenties and our daughter arrived three years later, but she was to be our first and last because although the birth went well, we were told that she couldn’t have any more children due to low ‘FSH’. Early menopause had arrived really early.
This was a shock and we both entered a period of mourning for the large family we couldn’t have, despite being gifted a beautiful daughter and a new life to look forward to. After three rounds of IVF treatment, we decided enough was enough.
Menopause and HRT
Everything started to accelerate some years later when my ex was in her late thirties. She threw herself into her work and started to spend more time away. Whilst she had always had many different balls in the air and a whole series of activities on the go with friends, family and at our daughter’s school, some were dropped quite suddenly. She became distant, less interested in our home and the intimacy in our marriage waned until it almost completely disappeared. I felt I was becoming sidelined.
Then she started HRT and it was as if there was a completely negative downward spiral in character. She became not just irritable or snappy but confrontational and aggressive. I remember putting our 12-year-old daughter to bed one night and she asked me if Mummy had been abducted by aliens! The false accusations began and arguments could get out of control. It felt like I was being goaded into making a serious mistake. I could be backed into a corner by an angry pointing finger one minute and the next I was trying to console a heaving mountain of tears or a quietly sobbing soul curled up in a chair. This was a completely different person to the one I had known before. I soon discovered that my ex had entered a relationship with another man. I was crushed.
Her new partner had been a boyfriend when she was just sixteen at school. She began to spend weekends away from home before eventually she pulled the ejector seat and left completely. My darkest days began. I had to take sleeping pills at night and my doctor told me I was suffering from extreme anxiety – I had thoughts of self-harm. I went to Relate on my own and received some counselling but neither the doctor or counsellor spoke to me about the menopause. My ex had an affair – that’s why I was feeling like I was…right?!
To regain control of my life I petitioned for divorce on the grounds of adultery. My ex is now living alone with her dog and recently told our daughter that she believes she went mad.
Life after menopause
Time does heal but my scars are deep. I believe now that there is no coincidence that divorce rates are high during the menopause. It’s not always ‘because he ran away with the Au Pair’, although this does happen too! I’ve read that like in my situation, separation is more often instigated by women.
One thing I know for sure is that hormones are extremely powerful. I also think that HRT may only make things worse not better for some from a psychological point of view. It’s not a ‘one size fits all’ therapy. Some women I’ve spoken to since have told me that it just made them feel ‘very strange’!
If I had been given some advice and guidance that some women do actually appear to go mad and that the menopause can cause extreme behaviours and outcomes, I believe my journey might not have been so traumatic.
I would have appreciated some help from other men too and I believe we should be included in the conversation.
That’s what I’d like to see – a couple’s approach to menopause so that the woman has the support and help she needs to get through it and also the partner is given the support they need to understand and help where they can. Emotionally, it can be very traumatic and damaging but the right education, preparation, understanding and of course more conversation in general about menopause would be very beneficial.
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My wife started what call MENTAL PAUSE not menopause. We are a divorce now she blamed for cheating recording her putting GPS on her car. None of this was true but some how her friends and my daughter believed her. I made a big mistake in telling her to go for help I became the villain in her life story. It went on for 2 years she lost job at the bank my fault. PLEASE if any man reads this stand by your let someone else tell her or let figure it out on her own never tell her sister or friends! Eventually she will realize their is a problem then help her make the decision to get help. After 24 years marriage I still love my wife but she can’t even look at me without calling me a cheating backstabber.
I have to ask what exactly will be the result of someone else telling her how you feel? Do you think we like feeling this way because we absolutely hate it! Not having the support of your husband is the worst. I feel alone, I cry a lot and my husband seems to be so wrapped up in his feelings that yea I feel like I hate him. I’m just wandering how old a man has to be to feel empathy for his wife that isn’t able to wait on his anymore?
Terry i know exactly what you’re going through. My husband is emotionally absent. He believes it’s a dark spell and he just has to patiently wait it out and one miraculous day I’m going to be exactly the same person as when he met me. Ill be doting and over eager to please hin again. Things will be back to his “normal”.
In the meantime i cry myself to sleep, i have never felt so lonely my whole lufe. If i bring it up, his comeback is ALWAYS how lonely HE is and that I’ve changed for the worst. Not once a caring word, my wife how are yoy feeling? Are you coping? I’m actually through menopause and in harmony with everyone around me but i have so much resentment for him cause he was never there for me. To me he has taken on the role of a provider only. He feels like a flat mate. I cant go anywhere,so this is the way it is and he will forever have this hope that I’m going to return to the 25 year old he married.
This is a long and extremely lonely road.
Hi Terri, I’ve never responded to anything like this before but whilst looking at was I can help my wife I stumbled across this.
When my wife was told by the GP she was menopausal she came home and cried (due to Covid I couldn’t go) the starting point was a bad bleed which lasted for several weeks and unfortunately I did not notice, night shifts etc. This is something I beat myself up for every day as my wife says I should have known and I wasn’t there for her. When she came home from the doctors she said she felt useless and couldn’t even do what a woman was supposed to do so we hugged and both cried. I could see that these feelings went very deep, beyond just a feeling, right to her core. I contacted several groups on FB to try and get information on how to support my wife but it was difficult as they all had a women only policy. I did find one site for men but from what I could see it was just men bitching and moaning about their wives and that’s not what men, or women need. One medical professor that I found Giving a video lecture online about the menopause did respond to my email and has been extremely helpful and sent me a message explaining all the phases, symptoms and how to help. My wife and I sat down and read through it together and there were more tears but we discussed the symptoms she knew she was suffering from and we went online and bought cooling gel pillows, knee pillows and silent fans for the night time as well as herbal teas and additional exercise gear. We talked all the time about how she was and I made sure to be thoughtful and understanding. I have 5 older sisters so spoke to them about what they had been through so I could support my wife through what I was being told was a scary and confusing time. My wife has been amazing through the 15 years together and we had an amazing bond. We sat and put together a bucket list of all the things she has ever wanted to do so we were always planning something special, swimming with dolphins, learn to ski, skate on a frozen lake, scuba dive in the Maldives, she even saved my life when I nearly drowned snorkelling so I owe this woman my life. As time went on we seemed ok but she would become uncontrollably angry with me at the drop of a hat, I wouldn’t need to have done or said anything but it was always about not noticing her bleeding and not being there for her at the start. I took it, and hugged her when the anger turned to tears and she would say sorry, just give me time. These anger outbursts got more regular and I’ll be honest with you Terri, sometimes they were hard to take. She said I’d ruined her life, she couldn’t look at me without wanting to punch me in the face and the thought of me touching her made her sick. I knew she didn’t mean it as 30 minutes later she would cry and we’d hug. This was all going on during lockdown and we were both working from home, her in the conservatory and me, nights and days in the spare room. I have always been the main cook so I cooked, we’re both Vegan, and we carried on talking about how she was etc. Then one morning she woke up and just said she needed space and time on her own. I was taken aback but I’d read that this can happen as oestrogen falls and Oxytocin levels drop to the point there is no loving feeling left but I’d hoped that as we were still very mech cuddly on the sofa, brushing her hair kind of close still we may not see this part. Anyway within an hour she had packed and left. At the start we text every morning and every night and during the day and spoke to each other a bit like you do on holiday, but as time has gone on she has slowly stopped texting or coming round. We have got together a few times and had nice times together, walking, talking, no blame issue or pleading her to come back. I’ve tried to respect her need for space and time but she just seems to be totally shutting me out now and her relationship with our daughter(my step daughter) and my son (her step son) has suffered. She was so close to her daughter before but now hardly contacts her and has not contacted my son at all. He texts her to just say, I hope you are ok, but gets no response. Most of her belongings are still at home and she now lives with her single friend and her friends 5yo girl. She has now got really bad memory issues and brain fog. Initially she denied she was menopausal and could not remember the doctors visit or crying or our talks so unfortunately she started to say it was our relationship was what drove her away. She says we didn’t do anything with our lives and that I picked on her and put her down. All our friends know this is not true as she has always told them what a wonderful life she has. She has now been back to the gp, for the brain foggiest and memory issues, and he has told her she has been menopausal for 9 months now as it’s in her notes. She said she didn’t tell him about the anger or night sweats, low mood or crying as it comes and goes so it caNot be relevant to the menopause. She has also only told 4 or 5 people she has left. I am determined to be there for her even though it would save me a great deal of pain to walk away, but I did promise to be there in sickness and in health and for better or worse when we married and she has been a great wife, friend and partner and it’s the lest she deserves. The way she is suffering is 100 times worse than my pain. I’m advised to try and maintain contact so as she doesn’t feel abandoned and I text her now and again to tell her I’m here for her and the door is always open. It’s a fine line between maintaining contact and giving her space. I don’t get heavy in my texts, I try to reassure her and tell her shes smart and beautiful. have suggested relationship counselling but she doesn’t want to do that as she has a very dark view of or relationship so I have been going on my own. I’m doing a CBT course and going to the gym and learning new things not to try and forget but to pass the time and stay strong so I’m there for her should she want to talk. It’s our anniversary this week and I know I won’t get a card but I will still send one to her. I have written a letter to put inside to say I’m positive we can work through this together, we have a good future and I’m here if she wants to talk. I’ve asked her to write down all the things that worry her about everything going on and about us and I’ve suggested meeting up to discuss her concerns. I’m sure she will not want to and I’ll still be shut out but I’m 100%convinced I need to see this through and be there for her if she needs me. This lady I speak to in Australia said it’s a good idea if I can continue to take the rejection as it’s likely she doesn’t know herself how she really feels and could start to feel better and see clearer over time. So I guess the point of my reply is that even men who try still get pushed away and only those who truly see the value of their wives and the magnitude of what they are going through and are prepared to take abuse, rejection and put up wit their own turmoil can make it without there being more help and advice more readily available for all parties involved.i hope things are good with you Terri.
You message gave me hope for my wife and I, my wife is one of the few that experiences menopause in her mid 20s so you can say we were surprised none the less. My fault was not seeing things 2 years earlier when the first signs started to develop. I ignored the signs so long that it drove my wife to believe that I no longer loved her and in our first conversation about us drifting apart after the two years of both of us ignoring the tell tale signs of something being wrong, she basically told me our relationship was a lost cause and that since the day we married she felt like we made a mistake. I’ve never felt so crushed in my life. But knowing I’m not alone and reading others experiences gives me hope and reassurance that there’s a chance that we make it through this. The knowledge I have gotten from reading other men’s experiences have been very helpful.
You’ve articulated everything I’ve doing going through for 10 years. Like you I want to be there however my wife has totally shut me out continually blaming me. I’ve become scared to show effection of the mildest form exhausted of the rejection and critical comments.
I know underneath she is a good moral person and I’m the target to offload her anxiety. I’ve avoided moving out for fear that I’ll find it so liberating that I’ll never wish to go back. What has been most helpful is knowing that I’m not the only one going through this
I agree ,you just described the last 9 years of my life.It was a cruel existence.Now my ex is dating an old friend and I finally have my life back.I loved my wife with all heart.I don’t know how to unllve someone.I always said I had the best wife ever.I don’t even know who she is anymore.Each year she got meaner to me,resenting me and my success.She left with millions which we earned from my success that she resents.We are friendly,but I’ve never told her
I’ve lost all respect for her.She was a great mom and I refuse to hate her,but I wasted the best years of my life and got played like a fiddle.
I hope for our kids’ sake she she can be less angry.I questioned my sanity when I went 6 straight years where I was not right once.We are both very educated and aware.Literally,a woman with two advanced degrees would say the equivalent of “ black is white”, angrily, and tell me I’m crazy when I questioned it.I almost took my life.I’ve never been depressed in my life.I’m proud I stayed for her and my children,but I wouldn’t do it again.
I’ve been experiencing similar issues with my wife, for the past five years. Also, we have a 20 year old daughter who is Special Needs, wich needs both of us in her life; in the same house. All I can say I’m doing my best as a Husband, like every other Husband that has experienced/experiencing this Metamorphosis in their wife.
Hi John. Who was your contact person in Australia I would like to reach out to them. Thanks. Stephen
I’m a 52 year old woman who got endometriosis probably 15 plus yrs ago but finally received a full hysterectomy 12 yrs ago, after that I was offered HRT but refused to take it due to a high number of breast cancer sufferers in my family, my Dr gave me the script I never filled it, over the last 12yrs my hubby has put up with alot of ups and downs, no throwing of tantrums on My part but some tears so emotions and truth be told not alot of sex, I feel awful for the lack of need, when I know how important sex is to a man, but I can’t help that feeling of just not interested, but if I can explain it as taking a.mans penis then telling him to still have sex, for me sex doesn’t make the relationship it may add the spice but marriage is Sooooooo much more than sex it’s being there listening support, just to prove my point a man thinks sex is love and if you don’t have sex it means your wife NO Longer loves you if that’s what men equate to love its no wonder that marriages fail, im not saying life’s easy but anything worth having is always hard, We don’t kick our kids to the kerb when they don’t conform to what we expect so I believe Bending to Menopause and remember your wife’s not perfect or a piece of meat, and help around the house and with the kids the mess isn’t all made by her it takes a family to make a home and a village to raise kids.
I’m a 54-year-old woman who had a fairly standard menopause at 51. My husband and I have been together for 26 years and we have one 16-year-old daughter. On some days, I’m content with what I’ve achieved in life. On other days, I want to buy a condo of my own, move out and see my husband and daughter on weekends.
Menopause is quite simply puberty in reverse. I have outlived a vital organ – my ovaries – which produced estrogen, the hormone that made me a woman. I try to explain menopause to my husband and my male friends like this: imagine that at age 50, your testicles stopped producing testosterone. Do you think you’d feel differently about yourself? About sex? About the choices you’ve made in life? About the way you want to live day to day? For a middle-aged woman, losing estrogen is sort of like gaining testosterone. For the first time since we were kids, we aren’t thinking about what other people want from us, we’re thinking about what we want for ourselves. Isn’t that how most men live all the time?
Men run on testosterone and women run on estrogen. Both hormones are a kind of jet fuel that activates our systems when we’re teenagers. In the most general terms, testosterone makes men aggressive, ambitious and dominant while estrogen makes women beautiful, cooperative and compliant. Over the course of a lifetime, a man’s testosterone level decreases gradually, about one percent every year from age 18 until death. Men coast downhill like skiers on a gently slope. In contrast, women hit menopause at approximately age 50 and fall off a steep cliff. We go from having most of our estrogen supply to having approximately two percent of it.
Of course it changes everything!
It changes the way we look – wrinkles, grey hair, a thickening middle – but it also changes the way we feel: no interest in sex and usually a complete re-evaluation of the life decisions we’ve made. We ask why did I marry this man? Why did I choose this career? Why did I have a child? It’s like walking up from a 35-year sleep and realizing you aren’t where you want to be.
While there are still many things about my husband that I appreciate and respect, I was drawn to him because of a strong mutual sexual attraction. For 20 years, we had a ferocious sex life, it was fantastic for both of us, the one aspect of our relationship that we both felt was a complete success. Now, even with hormone replacement therapy, I have more interest in German opera than I have in sex, the magnet that drew us together for two decades no longer exists. Since we have few shared interests and have never really managed to achieve a deep emotional or psychological connection, I don’t see the point in living with him anymore. I don’t need him financially, we both have successful careers. Our daughter will soon be ready for college, starting her own independent life. I think I’d rather live alone because it would be simpler than picking up after two other people and arguing daily about little things like the thermostat, screen time, the tag on the bread bag and dishes left in the sink. I have friends and family members I can do things with – holidays and traveling. The thought of coming home to a sleek condo of my own, free of other creatures who need care or accommodation seems heavenly at this point in my life.
It’s not that I’ve stopped loving my husband or my daughter, it’s just that I no longer have the hormones required to expend energy looking after them. They’ve become more work than reward. Keep in mind that oxytocin is one of the hormones women lose at menopause and it’s not one we replace with hormone replacement therapy. Oxytocin is the caretaking hormone. Men produce just a little of it while young women produce buckets of the stuff. After menopause, women no longer produce oxytocin, so is it any surprise that we stop wanting to make you dinner at this point in our lives?
Modern humans are biologically identical to our Cro-Magnon ancestors, who lived 50,000 years ago. Few of them, male or female, lived until mid life. They died young of parasites, dental infections and injuries. Many of the women died horrendously in childbirth. Few of them outlived their hormones. Nature intends for women to die after menopause, sad but true. As soon as we’re no longer capable of re-producing, nature doesn’t want us hanging around. Men can go on producing sperm, albeit increasingly strange sperm, until they die, so nature let them live until their hearts fail. It’s completely unnatural for any of us, men or women, to live to be 100, but it’s happening fairly regularly these days. For a woman to live to be old and still healthy and vital, she NEEDS estrogen. We need it to keep us from turning into egg-shaped, genderless muppets, and we need it to keep our bones strong, our arteries flexible and our brains sharp. Inside and out, women need estrogen. Not just a trickle of it, but a surging flood of it, same as we had when we were 35. Why is a hormone that kept us healthy and happy at 40 suddenly bad for us at 50? It isn’t. There simply isn’t enough medical research being done on estrogen and its loss at midlife. Personally, I’d rather have 20 more great years taking large daily does of estrogen than 50 more diminishing years without it.
Gentlemen, I ask you: if you lost your testosterone at age 50, what would you give to get it back? Heaven and earth, I expect.
I realize this is really late, but the problem with HRT is it can cause stokes. My mom took until she was in her mid sixties. I started to notice she was “different” when she was almost 65yo. She died after having a lot of small strokes and a few big ones. She basically got a form of dementia from the damage to her brain. She was catatonic for 5 months before she died. She weighed about 75 (?) pounds, she could not speak, was bedridden, and it was very sad. So it is not that you die, it is that you lose yourself to brain damage.
Luckily, my mom had my dad and me. We did not enjoy seeing her in so much pain, or losing her. It was really bad during the pandemic and she had home hospice care, but we tried our best to take care of her. We did not want her in a nursing hole, and we couldn’t have visited her there. I hope, even without the right hormones, you would not want to put your loved ones through this because it would be awful for all of you.
She always believed my dad would go first, as he is older. She had a great life, but the worst death I have ever seen. We had to decide when she was hungry or thirsty. Not being able to lift a cup seems awful to me. I tried to feel relieved she was not suffering anymore, but it is hard. I miss the “old” version of her every day. Even if life is not what you’d hoped for, if you are healthy, that’s no minor thing. My mom was pretty disabled, especially the last 5 years.
Just chances upon this and you sum it all up so succinctly – agree with it all, seriously reduced oxytocin/ oestrogen = very different person from one whose oxytocin/oestrogen levels were high… and I guess the answer is, does that matter that we have changed? It’s just having the strength to make the changes and deal with the potentially very difficult fallout…. Again probably shows us that the idea of happy marriage lasting forever is highly unnatural/improbable when hormones/lack of play such a big part in ones personality/outlook for life. X
Wow. I’m in that hole right now. Your experiences mirror image mine in so many ways, the affair included.
She was the most outstanding soul I’d ever met. Compassion, empathy, love and selflessness were drenched within her very being. Then the menopause came and we lost her. Well, she’s still here, but going very soon now. She has been my life for over twenty years., I have no plan B. I believed we were growing old together, side by side, shoulder to shoulder…and that there was no other route in existence.
My two sons ( 22 & 19 ) will stay here with me. They’re done with her. And this ,after all those years of togetherness, family harmony and love. Its all so truly heartbreaking.
With regard to my wife, an imposter is at the helm. For me, the future looks pretty bleak.
Same situation here but I knew my X wife very well and I knew things were never going to be the same. I hate that your dealing with the hostile environment, but it seems you have to come to a cross road and make a choice and its entirely your decision. My decison was to end an 18 year marriage. Its not easy and since life has ups and downs, but it has had ups! With her, it became all downs. Your dream of happily ever after is no more so you need to decide how to proceed. The older you get, the more youll realize how short life really is. Nine years later Im reading a book on codependency and realizing my marriage should have been ended much sooner but hind sight is always 20-20. Goodluck Sir -choose happy or atleast the happier for you.
Men Like you restore my faith that there are deeply caring, thoughtful, sensitive men out there. What a wonderful Husband you are. I hope that your wife recovers from this and realises how special you are.
Lol there is no ‘recovery’ from menopause. Better to have one miserable person than two.
Enjoy when your reproductive organs wreck your life, I’m sure your passive aggressive tendencies won’t make you even more miserable than you already obviously are.
Hi,
My wife started going through Menopause at age 46; i was 49. That was 8 years ago. It Started a year or two earlier with mental fuzziness but then in April ‘12, she became confrontational, and aggressive. It was a total shock. Came into kitchen one evening and asked whether i was going to be ‘in’ the next morning for the Post; as ‘her solicitor’ would be writing to me. I couldn’t believe it. It totally destroyed us. First Divorce was in 2012 but she stopped it after 3 months; we staggered on for another 18 months and she went for Divorce a 2’ time and i had to leave my home. 6 months later, she refused to go for the final decree again and i ‘was allowed’ to return home. We have sat in silence and resentment every day since. Hrt reduced some of her physical problems but had no obvious impact on the mental problems.
Today my wife is 54; she is nasty, vicious, cold & uncaring. The warm caring partner of 23 years is long gone. We are not divorced, we still live together but life has changed completely. In the 2years before the Menopause started, my wife texted me approx 3,000 times…ie about 30 times a week..ie ‘where are you now?’….will we meet at such & such?’
Now i get maybe 10 per year; all loving communication is gone. She is unable to be warm or kind; everything is a plot to get her & she is by times devious and calculating or paranoid. The menopause altered her personality completely and although i’ve waited for my wife to come bac for the past 8 years, it’s only recently that i’m understanding that she never will. The Change is just that. Permanent.
It’s sad thing….truly.
On the woman’s side of things I can really see how it looks/feels.
Men just want see men are shallow, men are the cause of my pain.
This of course is only a very small portion of what they have to experience, but its relevant to this subject.
Men…..are left wondering what just happened?
Most of us went to work at a young age to support a young family and build for a future. We traded our life to provide, for a future. Many of us spent every dime struggling to just pay bills while trying to make a happy wife happy life situation.
Never mind saving for retirement…who can afford that.
So mid life comes. And it hits her like a brick wall.
And men, don’t really understand. They can’t.
We can approximate but thats it.
What most woman see as a desire just for sex, is only partially the truth.
Almost all men receive and process INTAMACY as the primary love signal.
This is because we know deep down that when a woman ACCEPTS a man, she desires him at a deepness beyond sex.
Its not the sex men need and crave, but it is the sex that almost all men are programmed with as a means of being accepted by thier partner.
There is more of course, but I’m late for work and need to provide for my family.
Have a fantastic day.
Yeah, that’s the worst part. The knowing, without a doubt, that she just doesn’t love you any more – not because of something you did, but just because existence is cruel.
Wow. Thanks to all the guys who shared. It has meant alot to me as Ive also had a hard time since my divorce after 18 years with an early menopause situation. I did my best to keep my ex wife happy… I didnt have alot of money but worked extra jobs to support the family. She became distant and cold and met someone at her job she was messing around on. The kids were often ignored or she was unnessarily mean to them. It was heart breaking. Ive always felt it was somehow my fault but I never knew what more I could have done to make her happy. I was always faithful and always thought this would be the lady I grew old with. Life was turned up side down. Relatiionships seem much harder now for many reasons. Until I read these posts, I never had a clue as ti what have gone wrong. She lives less than five miles from me and ro this day we atill dont speak and shes not involved with our childrens lives. Its a shame.
Hang in there buddy. Life goes on and you must to. Ive picked up thw pieces and moved on the best I can but we will always have emotional scars because qe invested uears towards an end goal of happiness. Now, we must make the moast of what we can. Yes, its a raw deal, no its not always easy, but thats the hand we are left to deal with. It will get better… But its going to take effort.
Omg I’m so happy I found this blog. I’m 50 and my wife 46 going through menopause about a year now. Been together for almost 30 years. Happy 30 years until now. I can not believe the change in her. Angry, irritable, resentment all the symptoms shown here on this site. What I didn’t know was how real this is. All the men and women that struggle. The drastic change of hormones and it can change someone so drastically. The women that took the time to tell it like it is. Making me understand just a little bit more what is happening to them scientifically. The men that try so desperately to hang on. The people that divorced and went their separate ways. I was getting mad and lonely everyday that passes. Wondering what I should do. The space is killing me. I definitely do not want to be in a relationship if she doesn’t. I will do everything I can to love her and understand her. It’s like a bad dream. What a cruel curse. Time will tell. Wish me hope and luck.
this thread is really helpful. Wife I’m sue is peri/menopausal but would never admit it (especially to me). 25 years together and now she wants to separate, I’m devastated!
we don’t talk and when I’m home usually upstairs, pretty much living separate lives! I’d do anything to get back to where we were 10 years ago! Is it too late?? any advice greatly received:)
Haven’t had a relationship near as long as some of the people posting here but going through similar all the same. A little less complexity as we never got to the point of marriage. I proposed and we decided to finalize the knot after the covid thing mostly died down. Got into a relationship about 5 years ago and sometime last year she started her menopause. She had her first and only child pretty late (my step daughter in this case) and the child also started her first period around that time. The whole house being full of hormones. I tried my best to be there for her. I cooked all the meals for the house. I took a job that I don’t like and for less pay so I could work from to keep the child home for homeschooling. I’d wake up and give her subtle kisses as I walked by just to show I cared and loved her. Told her I’m here for her if she needs me for anything. She would just not talk to me. During this time both her and the child became more distant from me. My step daughter (which I was going to fill out the paperwork to become her proper legal guardian) called me dad and even told her grandmother I’m her real father. Now I feel like a stranger in my own home and like a room mate more than a husband. I constantly feel like I’m backed into a corner and they try to sequester away from me. My fiance’s treatment of me definitely transferred to her daughter. This has been going on for the past year. Even through that I tried setting up trips to go places, spending time as a family in other ways and trying to engage with what they like and want to do. I tried to be spontaneous and fun with my fiance casually and intimately and constantly dismissed.
I had a falling out with my own mother, who was mentally abusive and my father that was physically abusive. I felt I weathered that well and when talking to a psych they said I adjusted well and didn’t need therapy. So frankly my fiance and child was all I had left. Alot of the year went by with me trying to weather the storm and be caring for them to get abuse in return. She didn’t say anything to me and no explanation that she didn’t care for me anymore. I have no idea how long this would have gone on until I decided to sit down and have a calm conversation about my feelings. She had some minor things she said bothered her so I spent the past 2 months trying to fix them since I felt it was a valid concern and I cared about her and our family enough to make those small changes. again I had to bring up the worries and try to talk like adults. Still have no idea how long she would keep going with it and treating me like a stranger if I didn’t bring it up. We are still living together in the home we bought together. Still looking for a new place but since taking a lower paying job that provided better flexibility to be a at home care giver it’s hard to get a place. Most of my savings were used up taking care of the house and bills and after alot of trying on my end and nothing on hers i couldn’t take the abuse anymore. I really wished I could help them but they don’t want it. I don’t have much for family as I stated. And my friends haven’t been in a position to help me, and none live anywhere even in this state. I’m pretty much out on my ass with no one for support emotional or otherwise. It helps a bit to share here. I’m sure there is not enough nuance to explain the things I’m going through but thanks for reading.
Wow, this is what has happened to my relation with my wife. We were always extremely close and loving with each other. We always held hands and touched no matter where we we were. I would look at other couples and feel sorry for them that they did not have what my wife and I had. In her early 40’s my wife had to have a hysterectomy because of endometriosis. Shortly after that the wonderful wife I knew for 22 years went away. Now some other woman occupies my wife’s body. That woman is very difficult to get along with and very cold. Even my three children ask me what’s wrong with mom. HRT does not help. Sometimes I think that makes things worse.
I was looking forward to growing old with this wonderful woman who was my best friend for 22 years. We have now been married for 26 years and the last 4 have not been good. In the past 4 years she has told me she is not in love with me anymore. But still says she loves me. She has accused me of cheating , which I never have. She has wanted to move out. She will not kiss me anymore. I don’t want a divorce but can’t see us staying together like this. Thanks for letting me vent.
One of the Admins here is in the process of creating a group specifically for men on Facebook in the near future. We’re all in this together and we need solidarity through each other because our world as we new it, has turned the sh*t
Thank you to everyone who has contributed to ken’s post. It’s helped me feel like I’m not alone anymore !!!
P’S- Could an Admin tell me the name of that Menopause book again please ? I received an email a few weeks back giving me the name of it but I can’t find it. Thanks.
Hi Steve – yes you can get the book here on the website here is the link How to Survive Menopause Without Losing Your Mind
I met my wife on Thursday called her Friday and we were engaged Sunday. 28 years ago. All seemed fine and over the years we worked together and only argued 10 times at the most. She went back to finish her degree and started getting g short and mean. I really didn’t notice as much as our kids did. We moved back to Alabama for a job change and to be closer to our aging mothers. She seemed to start getting lost and distant and I suggested she get a job so she can socialize with others during the day. She reached out to an ex boyfriend from college who terrorized her. She said she was retiring be a better person and help him through some tough times and she found victim pain and resentment she got rid of. I do believe they are not involved as he lives 5 hours away but during the time of hot flashes, might sweats, massive hair loss in the shower she denies she has anything wrong. She’s 51 and is in perimenopause. She won’t consider any treatment I purchased a supplement based on the Mayo Clinic’s number 1 choice and printed out all of the supporting information and she still hasn’t read it or taken it. My daughter begged for her to see a therapist or someone to talk to but nothing. On August 3 she told me she loves me, likes me, but is not in love with me. She’s so lost she said she wants a divorce and needs to find herself. She said she doesn’t want to try because she doesn’t have them type of feelings for me any more. August 27 we signed papers wanting no alimony, none of our assets just out for a fresh start and is moving 2 hours away. I had no clue this was coming. Everyone who has been in our lives for 28 years is shocked. She has only reached out to sone of her family who has not been involved in our life’s and doesn’t see the change. I know am a lost man wondering where my wife, friend, lover and partner in crime went. I will put my life on hold with hopes she will find herself on this journey of discovery and the path will bring her back to me.
Hi, I know this is a males prospective (post), however, it’s starting to happen to me. I am a 41 year old female and I’m so scared of loosing my partner. I love him so much but at the same time I want to run away from him and my children. It’s so hard going through this as you don’t know what the hell you want and who the hell you are anymore. It is like you’re being possessed. I know my partner is getting fed up, we love each other dearly and people have been envious of what we have/had. (I’m not sure if it’s still there) it’s the one that’s changes. I’m miserable, I do t sting and struggle to feel connected to anyone, let alone my partner. My labido has gone to live on the moon. The struggle is real. I hate life for what it’s done to me. I want my old self back. I miss her just as much as my partner does. Why do we have to go through this!! Please bare with her! She might just come back. I hope I do
Thanks for sharing this . It’s kind of a pattern I see here where marriages that have remained resilient through the years despite misunderstandings , discord , possessiveness, an instance of my extra marital affair that I confided to her and other routine challenges gets beaten in the face of a menopause that turns the family lives helter skelter . After knowing my spouse for 35 years well and married for 26 years with two lovely kids – 25 & 23 year old boys I was preparing to coast the fag end of my career and ease into early retirement with the love of my life . The disaster strikes . We were living away from each other for 5 years as she wanted to set up and run a business in Florida . Supporting her through these 5 years financially and providing moral support with trips to go see her periodically I chose to raise the kids and send them to university while she was busy building the business . The kids completed university and we all even went on a family cruise spending time joyfully .
It was my 50 th birthday and our 25 th wedding anniversary year when one day , my kids sat us down and let me know that mom had someone else in her life she was interested in and it was down hill then on as she confided that something happened and she is leaving town to go live with her childhood Friend . She packed her bags and asked for the house to be sold and left country .
It’s now a year since then . Battling through a life threatening kidney disease caused by high BP , a road accident with two cars in total loss ( thank God none of the family members were injured ) , fighting an insurance claim etc and now the COVID pandemic has only made me resolve more to turn to God absolutely surrendering my will . The last year has seen me go from alcoholism to psychological counselling . As they say , the chosen ones that endure are the ones God tests most and I turned to yoga , meditation and exercises . My support systems with a lovely responsible children and and extended family and a few friends have helped me recover , redeem and look forward .
I will only wish her my ex peace , health and happiness and pray that she deals with her menopause and depression by consulting medical experts and we as family are there to support her through her recovery .
I do realize life is short and I need to do self care and ensure the sanity of the family is retained in good shape . Well , I don’t blame it on menopause , it’s karma and this experience I share with others so they catch the early signs and love their dear spouse through the 40 s and 50s as they did in their 20s .
Best wishes Kumar
Oh yeah, and Ken. Thank you SO much !!!
I started peri menopause and spoke openly to my husband about the revolting experience. He was very supportive and told me to get the best specialist money could buy. He backed me up after the practice gynaecologist refused hormones with a smirk and told me to take vitamins. After a fortnight of my insomnia and crying all day, he begged me to book an appointment.
Every time I visit the specialist, he is with me and taking an interest.
We were married after peri started and as we got in the car to drive to the registry office, he ran into the house and lobbed my estradiol gel in my lap, just in case I needed it.
No sex at present as he is recovering from a circumcision, but my sex drive is great because my specialist prescribes testosterone.
I am going through a living hell at the moment with menopause. It completely changes how you feel about yourself, your self esteem plummets and basically you feel like you are losing your mind. Never mind the anxiety, panic attacks, rages, histerical crying body aches insomnia plus everything else us women have to deal with. My family are being Brilliant with me and the only advice I can give to you men is to be patient love your wives and always talk and listen to her. Do not blame yourself for the situation but do not blame her either. It is her HORMONES not her. Its puberty but in reverse everything that made us women is being sucked out of us. Biologically we would die years ago around menopause age. Mother nature sucks for women! But if you truly love her hang in there.x
Oh my gosh, girl!!! You get it. I literally feel like I am losing my sanity! I have seen my primary care providers and they don’t seem to really understand the hell I am experiencing. I hate who I’ve become and I don’t know how to fix it. I cry at the drop of a dime and turn into a raving lunatic if my husband says something I don’t agree with. That poor man. I’m terrified that our marriage is doomed because of menopause. I don’t know what to do.
Hi I’m 51 male my partner of 50 is going through her menopause
Its absolutely destroying me watching her go through this
Were so loving now I’m the blame for everything no contact no cuddles it’s like I’m not welcome anymore
I dont know what to do
I’m in deep depression loosing my mind
I’m on the edge trying to hang in there I feel broken inside
I love her to bits so much
Yet I’m so so lost
I wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to somone
I’m so broken I’m loosing my partner I’m in tears now typing this
Paul, I hope you read this. I know exactly how you feel, believe me. My wife of 18 years is in menopause and the doctor does not know how long she has been in it. We are thinking it happened around 2013 when she had an oblasion done on her uterus. Here recently we have had a communication breakdown, she has told me she loves me but she is not as much in love with me as she was before, and she just needs time. We do fool around just a little, but afterwards she said that it ‘muddied the water.’ IDK what that is supposed to mean. She enjoys it but it seems like now it is something to be used against me somehow. I can go a little while without sex but I cannot do without the snuggling and affection.
I too feel lost. The woman I am so in love with seems to have turned her back on me. I have tried to be a great husband to her; I cook dinner at least 25 nights out of the month, I do the dishes and the laundry, I help our daughter with her schoolwork, I take out the garbage, I clean the house, I mow the yard, in other words, everything I can to make her life easier.
She has a blood test coming up to check her hormone levels, and we have a list of questions for the doctor. I read somewhere else that decreasing estrogen is also a cause of oxyticin levels dropping. This apparently has a large influence on mood, especially during menopause.
I have on numerous occasions offered my help but she wants nothing. I am as lost as I have ever been.
25 years
23 of those years married
Menopause came
She got involved saying he listens to men
She moved In and filed for divorce
The guy put her out and married someone else
, I went got remarried later
She has apologized but still gets anger saying I had a good wife…as though I choose to leave
I shares this to say..her menopause came at 40 and she lost focused
Hi: my wife just turn 49 (I’m 45) and been together for 14 years, (she have a 18 year old from a previous marriage) and we have a little surprise together (5 year old girl) when I meet her i knew i was for a challenge, she had a character but on her way she was very nice and sweet little woman. suddenly November 18 2019 the woman I woke up that morning was someone completely different, for a period of time she became really mean with her daughter (oldest) at the point they have fights daily and for the most stupid reasons (leaving a cup in the left of the cabinet and not in the right) or insisting on her to date a friend’s son wish my stepdaughter was not interested at all. To have a full meltdown that make her take the car in the middle of winter and left to disappear for 2 hrs. just because her daughter refuse to take the boy out and I refuse to leave the house because it wasn’t her more successful financial year and she want it to try better fortune been alone …after that meltdown she was again another person. This time suddenly she became super attached and confident with our oldest more like a friend and dedicate the full amount of her time to our youngest (before its was more me spending time with both, specially the oldest whom I rise since she was 5 and with our common daughter was usual to her (my wife)to pinned my little one on my no matter how tired I was from work she demanded to me to spend all the time left before she went to bed. To the point that I have been sick twice (covid suspicion turned to be a bad flu) that it’s like I dont exist, it’s like I’m not there, we went vacations with a group of friends she share more time with them than me. I mean I was alone all the time completely ignore in activities to the point that I got lost for about 1 hour and she did not care despised my friend looking for me. I have slowly become a piece of furniture
in the house and as happens with teenagers my oldest is taking full advantage of this and not participating in any family activities always with a excuse my wife always supports. Also stop sleeping with me.because i made to much noise at night (never was an issue until a year a go) to the fact than now she wants to look for a job even after told her to do it 10 years a go and she refused even got mad with me. I have spoke with her about the changes she is going (and she is ) trough menopause but she does not think it’s the big deal, there are many other situations very uncomfortable ones we have passed and she seems oblivious to the more obvious things like i feel lonely and an the replacement of a routine of exercise up to 2 hrs instead of sex and when finally stay to talk to her after dinner she focus on the kids or watching soaps. And in our last trip one of my work colleagues kind of insinuate to her was way to obvious to everyone but for her was not. And tell me its not a big deal … its difficult I have read so many histories and each one is different but for what I see the end result is the same…. there is a book or audio.taht can guide me trough this…??? My work also is very stressful. And.is difficult to deal with 2 thing like that at the same time specially with your significant other blind at the situation you are.
God bless
Hello All! I actually stumbled on this post while I was searching for how to deal with all of these changes on my own. I have been married for 8 years now. About two and a half years ago, he checked out in a physical way. He also has severe anger issues and flies off the handle in a verbally abusive way While he has never been super affectionate, it had come to a dead stop. He blames my family and friends being in my life as a reason he has resentment for me. In November of 2019 I was taken to ER by my sister feeling like I was having a heart attack. I was released by the drs found nothing wrong and my heart in great shape. The next week more things started happening: severe anxiety and panic; breathing issues, horrific heart palpaltations with chest and arm pain and headaches and they have not stopped at all for a year. Peri menopause had struck me in all of the wort ways! I feel stripped and cheated out of a good life. He has taken me to the ER a few times and to the doctor but every time throws it back in my face that he has to do it. He also knows I have dizziness from the head fog and that I have severe symptoms and often times steers clear of me afraid that I may ask him for help. That is distressing and makes me feel very alone. Although I physicAlly do not want to be alone for fear of dying due to the pains and suffering , I can’t deal with this and that too. I am reading your stories of support and how you tried and it breaks me down. This is all I want. Someone who is willing to listen, to hug me and make me feel safe when nothing feels that way anymore for me. Even as all of our stories are ending in heartbreak, I want to thank all of the men on here for sharing your stories and for the efforts you made. It matters and it is also encouraging that men like you exist. God is in control am I pray that we all find peace and the unconditional love that we all deserve. Peri menopause has not made me mean. It’s made me sad. Good luck to us all.
Hi Lea, thank you for commenting, we have tried to contact you via email to offer support but the email bounced back. Please do contact us at enquiries@simplyhormones.com
Lea, my head went mad at 49, 5 years ago and when I needed him most my husband was drinking and watching movies. I pleaded with him to work on our marriage, all he would say was he was lonely too but he pushed me away. I was feeling suicidal and so rejected. And I did something I never dreamt I would do, I cheated. I look back and its like another person did it. It gave me some sort of buzz and comfort and lasted for3 years. I got caught so now I’m the bad person. Two adult kids married and two at home. I’ve never been so unhappy in my life. I think women sort of wake up during perimenopause, especially if they have been the good little wife for years, they realise their life is passing by with a boring unattentive husband. He has been a bully ever since we married 30 years ago yet I put up with it until then. It was like something snapped. So we live in the same house, him with his bottle both in separate rooms, I never know whether he’ll be drunk or sober, my kids hate him and I am drugged up for anxiety and depression. Its like when you’re not childbearing anymore, nature has no need for you. I would beg you men, never be a mind reader, ask your wife what you can do to help.
Another partner to a wonderful woman who I’m absolutely certain is in the early stages of menopause. Last December after a row over a situation that I knew she was unhappy about, she declared she wanted a divorce. No talking about it, no discussion, that was it. Some days it seems I just can’t say or do anything right. She’s said and done things in relation to our daughter that would of horrified her a year ago. I’ve relegated to the spare room for the last 9 months. She won’t even consider that menopausal changes might be at play here, was I a perfect husband, of course not, I’m human after all. I had read about the possible impact of menopause on our marriage but what has happened has been a complete surprise to me
Hi, i feel you bro, in some women menopause is the equivalent to been hit hard in the frontal lobe, they personality changes, that lovely partner who just to hold hands is gone (some make a come back with the right treatment) but the issue is they will not seek professional help, in my experience is the fear of admitting they are getting old, so far I’m holding there … eventually she will have no choice but to see a doctor, this past year ask me twice to leave to later change her mind with no recollection to ever done it…. if you love your partner hold tight eventually everything will sort out for better or for worse. Cheers
Leaving a comment due to my email was wrong
Wow, really? Did it ever occur to any of the men that perhaps after years of putting up with their spouses bullshit the women have finally had enough? I asked for a divorce and my husband blamed menopause. It couldn’t possible be because he rarely does ANYTHING around the house to lighten my load and it has been this way for going on five years now. I take out the garage, mow the lawn, do all the household repairs, work part time (and make the same as he does full time), care for the three children and so on. He works and watches TV all day or reads comics or plays video games. He won’t even bathe after work, but gets angry that I don’t want to have sex with him. I have tried for years to explain why I need help and he tells me “you only work 24 hours a week and I work 40, therefore, you should do the work. I don’t have time”. He doesn’t seem to understand that caring for children and a household IS a full time job in and of itself. So men, if your wife has lost interest in you sexually or is being a mean tyrant or crying, instead of taking the easy way ( and sexist) out and blaming hormones, perhaps take a look at your own behavior and see how you may have contributed to the problem. Take a good hard look in the mirror men, It isn’t all our fault.
Hello, after reading your post I think you are right ( not been sarcastic) every person is different and they have they’re own necessities, may sound strange or looks like I’m been a douche but I see what you mean, my lovely partner for the past 15 years maybe got tired of me telling her every day I love her, complementing her in every little thing she does (dinner, attention to details, how a good mother she is, ) and also that no matter how much she physically she has change, that for me still the very attractive person I meet all those year a go… maybe I had said that too much for too long and in this difficult time of change those words have become that…. just words… and she is tired of “my shit” thanks you for helping me to see that (for real)
Not every couple here has the same family dynamics, the continuing rant and blame shifting is childish. A war path to justifie a swollen attitude, . Good luck with that, little angel statistcs show menapausal divorce up to 60% i look in the mirror to consider the thing i can change. Women spend more time in the mirror for vanity diva
Yes! I felt this deep within my soul! I’m not gonna lie that menopause has gotten the best of me at times. However, my husband also is one who says, “Wow, your emotions are all over the place. Don’t you think it’s just your menopause?” No, no it’s not! Your drinking, lack of empathy, not caring, self centered egotistic being is what is wrong with me. Some men just can’t see how full of them selves they actually are until it’s to late. Problem is, I have told him countless times over the past 6 years what I need from him. What I want from him. I don’t sugar coat it. Why is he not listening.? Why is he not learning? I thought I was doing the right thing by letting him know these things and yet, once in a huge great while he will miraculously do one little thing and then does for himself like a reward….. That just totally defeats the purpose. Yes, I have major mood swings. I had my last period when I was 39 and I’m now 44. Menopause is so hard on a woman. We don’t need the added stress from the spouse of blaming everything in menopause. Take responsibility for your actions as well.
A lot of truth in what you say,as I have been guilty,and we had many a row over this and the lack of intimacy,never got resolved as we never had adult discussions due to anger and lack of understanding,and immaturity we both resorted to nasty sarcasm,it was a vicious circle,she withheld her services viciously attacking my apparent laziness,I attacked her for being cold and Frigid !!! We were both wrong,as we both did so much else for each other,that we both overlooked,id go to a 24 hours supermarket for painkillers and or Tampons,or get her a Maccy d Milk shake,run her and her family or friends to and from nights out,individually dropping them to their door at 1am,,she cooked and cleaned did laundry and bought me some amazing presents,,Yet we argued venomously over lack of sex,intimacy,hoovering and washing up !!!!
Here is my story I meant a very nice girl she was 48 at the time I didn’t feel it at first since I just got out of a hurtful relationship. We got together a few times but I still wasn’t ready to do this all over again. She sent me letters and mail that I simply thru away. We eventually got together took nice trips and fell in love. She got a bunch of money from her divorce so I wasn’t used to someone paying there way so that was nice. She claimed she couldn’t get pregnant and insisted we have unprotected sex for this reason. She told me she couldn’t get pregnant because she hasn’t had her period in a year but it still scared me and I covered my butt. This was an issue for her. She treated me awesome we had a good time. Last December I worked a lot working for a delivery company. She was ok with that at this time we were basically living together 30 minutes from my house. After peak season January and February were good then the COVID crisis my job exploded with work I stayed at my house for a while 3 minutes for my work didn’t seem to b an issue then she got the COVID virus so we seperated again. I continually worked a lot in the extreme heat al summer and was simply worn out at the end of the day so I went home and crashed. At the time we were talking about diamonds buying a retirement home etc. I noticed she was getting a lot nasty and irritable and I was stressed from work and got a sick feeling in my gut listening to her smart remarks. Then last week I get the definant call saying it’s over. She went from treating me like gold to being nasty. She slept a lot all the time and was irritable it this menopause. Please talk I’m struggling bad. She’s 49 btw.
I thought I was the only one, even when she asked for divorced … I saw the symptoms coming but never thought she Will have all this events, at time it was like a switch her mood changed on and off… lawyers are there to divorce, family counseling are there trying to get results but talking about “ menopause” its like talking nonsense but in reality does a woman realized all the patterns and results ?
Do they regretted at some point trying to get back their life that was ruin due to this condition?
Whoah! For the ones saying that a woman will never come back from this or be the sweet girl you use to know is gone for good, that is NOT true. NOT true at all! Not for all of us at least. I didn’t even realize what was going on with me until my mom & a friend/supervisor talked to me about it. It’s not just all about hot flashes & the jokes that come along. My mood swings were so out of control between menopause & going through other health issues like RA,Lupus, and Fibromyalgia on top of THE CHANGE, my boyfriend of 12 years has decided he had enough of me. 🙁 I have never been so heartbroken and now all I do is cry and lose sleep when he doesn’t come home early or comes home so late on the weekends. I totally hate myself right now because I feel like a complete failure in our relationship. Anyway, LONG story short, I spoke with my doctor and she gave me a few referral to counseling and may be put on Prozac until my menopause is over. I know I can do this. I just pray I can win back his love for me!
Don’t assume that all men are like your husband. Most of the men I know would not treat there wife that way.
Menopause is no excuse for irrational, abusive,and panic . Behavior. All humans have many life stages and changes. It is up to the indavidual to understand and move forward. I support my wife as muchas possible. Anger panic, and anxiety cancel my effort. There are many options on how to handle menopause. Husband punching bag is not one of them. Also completly inconsiderate to husband and any other random victum
Mass changes are happening within the body. I think you should try and educate yourself what women actually go through instead of being arrogant about women. If you are a supportive person you would try and help as much as you can.
Firstly thank you for creating this thread and for all the replies. You have no idea how much it’s helping me.
Now for our story. My wife and I started dating in ’98 and were married in 04. First child was born in 05 and second in 08. We’re now some years down the line and I think we’re at a serious cross roads in our lives. I can’t think of one time that we’ve argued. We’re generally on the same page although we’ve had issues. In the past these have always centered around sex and, now I look back, have always come from me. Over the last 22 years sex has become less frequent. It’s never been multiple times a week however it’s gone from every couple of weeks to every month to every 3 months and now nothing since March. I have tried to talk about it with her and we’re not getting anywhere. She’s in the past said that i’m very negative and that she doesn’t want to be around me when I’m like that. I have worked so hard on that but the relationship hasn’t improved (she has even commented that she’s noticed my mood improve). In October last year we started to experiance a lot of stress at home when our eldest child (then 14) effectively had a breakdown. This has seen my wife spend more an more time with them to the point that we no longer go to bed at the same time. I go to bed around 10 and she’s sometimes get into bed at 12, sometimes 2am. We generally don’t spend much time together at all, not through my lack of trying.
Last week I told her that I didn’t know how much longer I could go on like this. She’d said it caught her by suprise because she was happy and based on my mood she assumed I was too. She’s lost any sex drive she ever had but also doesn’t want me to touch her in any way. Not hugs, kisses, hand holding. She said that she realised that I may not be able to live with that so she will understand if I want to leave. Well I did, for a few days. I needed to not be at home to work out what was important to me. The over riding feeling was that I missed her so much and that I loved her. I have explained this all to her. I also feel that my regular push for sex, either verbally or trying to initiate, has turned her off. She knows that if she says no then i’ll feel rejected and upset. It feels like I may have broken her without ever realising it.
I spent some time over the weekend looking to what I could do and why we were where we are and the subject of perimenapause came up. I read through several articles to understand what is was as i’d never heard of it. The symptom list was like a checklist of a number of physical issues which my wife has experianced for years. Admittedly she doesn’t suffer all of them but most of them are spot on. I approached the subject with her delicately and have asked her to look into it too. Whilst I may be completely wrong, if treatment can help her deal with some of the symptoms then it has to be a positive. She seems open to at least looking to see if it’s something that fits.
Will sex ever return, I don’t know and at the moment I am trying not to think about it. I have told her that I am going to obstain from sex for a year at least. I know I need to give her time and remove the pressure. I will talk to her about it if it gets too much but with no expectation that it would happen. I have also asked her to consider going to the GP to look at whether her hormone levels are dropping. I have stressed that if she’s comfortable then I want to go with her and support her in what she needs.
Yeah I could just leave. I have seriously considered but I don’t want to. We have spent 22 years building what we have now. We have two amazing children and I just can’t help but feel that this can get better. I am by no means suggesting that leaving a partnership is a failure and I have to be realistic that could still happen. I just don’t want that to be the answer. Your comments have made me realise that this isn’t as bad as it gets and it’s given me some hope that things can improve with work.
Thank you all so much!
The comments are very helpful. We have 30 years together. Been a welder /artist / handyman for 25 years. Now everything I build is is stupid. Everything I say is wrong and every joke is demeaning. The change is unbelievably depressing. I just don’t understand why she chose me in the first place.
god I so hope this is true for my very special woman. Thank you been remove from our home 2 times by the Sherriff second time after she asked me to move back in a spare bedroom. 7 days later the Sherriff , never unpacked 15 minutes to get my stuff and go. thank you she told me to never never give up. im doin the best i can to listen to all her concerns, and focus on my errors and make the corrections. we both say that we love each other more than breath.
Things started to change a few years ago here. .There were signs my partner was having an affair. Also separately for nearly 9 years. I want answers so at least we can move on and try to mend this broken mess . I would want to try and work it out, and not seperate. I’m currently in full flow of menopause too which is fuelling this now. I have notes on what was said but he just keeps saying it’s menopause and I’ve imagined it all when in fact I have the notes on how he reacted years ago when I asked him. All I want is the truth. Deep down I know something has happened but he just blatantly says I’m imagining it which doesn’t help at all. We are seeing a marriage councillor at the moment. All he says is it’s menopause and lost the plot. I think he is actually scared to admit it. Any advice on this one !
Please let us know the Facebook group for this, am needing info and help (support), the woman I love has changed and I dont want to lose her. Its got nasty, irrational rows, am sleeping in the spare room now. shes asked for a divorce twice, little things I always do, now get on her nerves.
The sad reality is , we MEN are not all naïve and dum!! And yes we do know what’s happening. But we also do not have put up with some of the crap and absolute nonsensical rage and aggressive hatred and behavior that can be carried out by a woman that is really in the grips of this terrible life change .Its not the HOT flushes or the IRRITABILITY or the forgetfulness . Its the Hatefull things that are said , its the absolute rage and escalation at any thing said or done. its the half of the month of constant hate speech etc etc. etc etc .. YES IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO!! —— 40 years together two daughters , a hard life and plus minus five years of menopause — I’m still here! living in the same house. Alone! working paying bills and trying to calm down after she opens her big mouth about every thing that’s wrong with me , only me all the god damn time!!!!! Im struggling with the anger and hatred i am starting to develop for my wife and i know that if this carries on for much longer im going to need to make a decision that will impact and hurt my family in order for me to not be constantly tip toeing around the DRAGON in this situation… And yes i do still love her always have ,but love is not on the menu at the moment . sacrifice i think is the key word. But the jar that’s full of sacrifice will be emptied soon and then? SOOOOOO! im almost at F#@! your menopause and go live it on your own!!! And now i feel bad about saying that…
Howdy! I could have sworn I’ve visited this website before but after going through a few of the articles I realized it’s new to me.
Nonetheless, I’m certainly happy I found it and I’ll be bookmarking it and checking back often!
Review my web-site: vinyl fence online (Jonelle)
Hi…
I’ve read most of the comments. I am not here to summarize my hard time in my relationship due to menopause. We all can read . I’ve always tried to get through the fog and deal with reality and outcomes. No man can last for 5 years without sex. When one deals with that reality and what comes with it , there is no comparison. One can talk about feelings, attentiveness, suportiveness, etc. Every person has their Red Line in the proverbial sand. If one has it, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love, ETC. As much as it hurts, you’ve had enough. No man can take the constant abuse and the total lack of sex due to hormones. The statistics prove it therefore the usual excuses don’t matter and really don’t make sense. One doesn’t have to listen to it. Statistics prove it. The ” argument ” does not last for a day, two days, a week . It lasts for 5 years ! That’s what one has to rely on. This in itself, is not Religion, where one …has Faith. This is reality. Men will spend 5 years out of their life, with the hope that things will be better. I, as a person believes in deeds, not words. Words don’t cary as much as deeds do, in 5 y ears. Stop making excuses for the other one’s 5 year bhaviour. Believe it or not , that’s all it takes. As far as I know we only live once. The statement is hard to digest, but it’s TRUE. This is not about faith, religion, or the myriad of excuses concerning this topic. It’s about Facts.
Guys As a help, check out Gary Chapman his books the five love languages and five languages for men.Andrew Marshall,”I love you but I’m not in love with you” and find “Affairs Recovery” six types of affair on the Internet.
So much of what everyone has said on here is what I’ve gone through for the past year moved to a new country for her health she Needs the warmer climate,, three months in she had an affair with an acquaintance of mine she fell head over heels she now wants nothing of our plans he dumped her four times I persuaded her to move back, as I believed she and the dogs were in a horrendous location and it would be practically financially better to ,she makes it clear she just wants to be roommates she has rewritten Our marital history, although much of what Kimberly and linda have said,Rings true but we have both done things to damage our marriage, and we carried on and committed to life abroad our old problems should have stayed in the UK this was a fresh start and there were transition problems associated with relocating ,but she thinks our old problems were 99% my fault, The ratio was more like 60/40,,but I have made humongous efforts to be patient and understanding, I am trying to be the man she wanted me to be and I believe it’s not too late to fix us and carry on with our plans to do music together in the Sun and live happily here,Check out the five love languages because I was stuff I did stuff she did that was the long love language for each other but was not aware of it
After 21 years of marriage to the sweetest best friend she entered menopause and I soon because the villain, despised and blamed for breathing , divorce soon occurred and she is 7 year into menopause and still abusing me when the opportunity arises. Glad to be rebuilding my life, but seems to me each woman is effected to various degrees, so we really are playing Russian roulette ….. Wishing all those going through this the best, I don’t suggest psychologists as they made everything so much worse in our case. Just have to go with the flow and rebuild your life; my plan is hopefully meet a nice lady who is now on the other side of menopause.
I found the forum as I was looking into ideas for how help can be given to women from their partners at this horrible time. I recognise myself in many of your comments about your wives/partners. From my perspective I miss my old self so much and have genuine fear that I won’t ever be her again ( I am assured by most that this in time will pass, so I cling on to that). I literally do not trust myself or my feelings which range from deep sadness, to extreme anguish and anxiety, fear and a feeling of doom that sits deep inside me. I also feel anger and disappointment at the way my husband could not /would not step up when I asked for help. I was aware that that my behaviour was irrational, the level of fear, indecision, brain fog , lack of joy was disproportionate to what was actually going on ( although bizarrely did not associate any of these feelings at the time to the perimenopause!). I soon realised that he wouldn’t step up because he was so used to me making the decisions, being on top of the family side of our life, being the adoring and involved mother to our 3 children, so at the time he just voiced his own fears, his own worries about making decisions – basically making it all about himself! I felt very alone and had to go back to trying to lead the family albeit feeling ill equipped to do so. I said before that I now don’t trust my emotions – I have been advising my teenagers from a place of fear (which I have transferred to them) and have curtailed their ambitions ( what if they fail, if they can’t cope etc). I am now consumed with guilt and here is the interesting thing – as much as I love my family I have genuine feelings that they would be better off without me, that I may be holding them back and doing more harm to them than good as they try to navigate young adulthood. I can imagine how bewildering it must be for them to see such changes in me , I want them to think about me as the fun, encouraging mother that I once was and not be weighed down with this emotionally drained and draining woman I have become. I often feel like taking myself off and coming back when this is all over so that I don’t negatively affect them any more.
I applaud your efforts to navigate this time with understanding, there is no easy answer. All I know is what I crave which is to have someone who can maintain perspective when I can’t , who can step up and be strong, optimistic and encouraging with those in our circle – particularly our children, who can imagine how I would have reacted before this started and advice them accordingly. I realise there are so many different symptoms to the menopause and so many different reactions and degrees of reaction to them, no two women will be the same, but we really cant help what is going on and are feeling genuinely awful. You are all doing the right thing – actively trying to help your wives and partners and holding the space for them.
I am in the same situation as many of the men here. My wife (she is 50 years old.) left me during the middle of the pandemic. She had a hysterectomy late 2019. I a had no idea about hysterectomy’s. She is now going through menopause. When she left, she told the children, she wanted romance. I felt confused and betrayed by my wife of 20 years. I thought she was my best friend. I told her every day that I loved her dearly. I was in the middle a dental implant and before she left, she told me she loved me with or without my tooth. I bought her flowers every week to the point that the florist in my area all knew name. Some of the posts tell me that was a mistake. In the last six months, he gained 60 pounds. When she complains about her weight, I tell her, and it is true , I could care less about it. People in the past from other places have advised me to be tough on her. My problem is that I cannot stay mad at anyone for longer than 10 minutes. All I can say after reading all the posts, every marriage has its different problems. I love my wife. I can only try to be a good person in life. At this point I plan to just keep hugging her in telling her a beautiful she is in my eyes even if it does or doesn’t help. Maybe I will talk about some of the great times we had in the past together. Maybe I’ll try to be more mysterious as a person. I know I will have to move on. That is so sad! Also, I have found that unfortunately this really has helped my career. I am coming to believe that the situation can only be solved in her mind. Not mine. Maybe it has something to do with Facebook? Again, all I think I can do is try to improve myself and tell her how beautiful she is.
I am in the same situation as many of the men here. My wife (she is 50 years old.) left me during the middle of the pandemic. She had a hysterectomy late 2019. I had no idea about hysterectomies. She is now going through menopause. To me she’s the most beautiful in the world. When I look at her I see her the way she was the first day I saw. When she left, she told the children, she wanted romance. I felt confused and betrayed by my wife of 20 years. I thought she was my best friend. I told her every day that I loved her dearly. I was in the middle a dental implant and before she left, she told me she loved me with or without my tooth. I bought her flowers every week to the point that the florist in my area all knew name. Some of the posts tell me that was a mistake. In the last six months, she gained 60 pounds. When she complains about her weight, I tell her, and it is true , I could care less about it. People in the past from other places have advised me to be tough on her. My problem is that I cannot stay mad at anyone for longer than 10 minutes. All I can say after reading all the posts, every marriage has its different problems. I love my wife. I can only try to be a good person in life. At this point I plan to just keep hugging her in telling her a beautiful she is in my eyes even if it does or doesn’t help. Maybe I will talk about some of the great times we had in the past together. Maybe I’ll try to be more mysterious as a person. I know I will have to move on. That is so sad! Also, I have found that unfortunately this really has helped my career. I am coming to believe that the situation can only be solved in her mind. Not mine. Maybe it has something to do with Facebook? Again, all I think I can do is try to improve myself and tell her how beautiful she is.
I have been in the throes of menopause for over 10 years. It started when I turned 50 and went through stages of waking up in pools of sweat multiple times nightly while feeling like I was losing my mind on and off through the day, to losing the energy and sexual drive I once had. I agree with the women’s notes in this thread in that no man can ever know what it feels like when the person you thought you were became someone else – it’s a total redefining of who you are (mentally and emotionally) and watching the physical changes your body goes through (lower metabolism, added weight) only adds to the notion that you’ve become a different person. I used to enjoy sex – my drive and ability to climax now is completely gone, and what used to feel amazing now hurts. Can any of you men imagine what that would be like for you? Menopause is terrible, there’s no other word to describe it. It’s a constant reminder that we as humans think we’re above being animals, but the truth is we are indeed physical animals and the best we can do is adjust to and accept the change in ourselves. While the answers are different for everyone (clearly after reading this thread) in every case adjustments have to be made by both partners if they choose to stay in a relationship. Ladies, get real. Don’t expect that your partner will fully adjust to the ‘new’ you – he may not. You aren’t the same person he chose to be in a relationship with. Men, stop complaining and instead of focusing on her, focus on yourself. YOU need to decide what YOU need in a relationship and go from there. Marriage is not a lifelong contract. If you love her and/or your family enough to want to stay in the relationship you need to accept her new ‘person’ and let the idea of the old partner coming back to you go. She will never be the same emotional and sexual person that she was because hormones played a BIG role in how your partner behaved in her earlier phase of life. If sex is a primary conflict point, ask your partner how she would feel if you had that need met elsewhere – she may agree to support that need coming from someone else to take the pressure and any resentment it creates off her. My husband and I are still trying to figure out where to go from here and have not made a firm decision whether to live together or independently, but we’ll make the decision fully aware that we are in a very different relationship than we were when we married 26 years ago.
I’m so glad I found this thread because I thought I was the only one suffering a menopausal wife. She is angry, flares up, becomes abusive and it’s like she has been taken over by some kind of demon. I keep holding out thinking it will pass, but it’s been going on now for at least the last 8 years. She is in her mid-50s and used to suffer from terrible mood swings during her period generally. But this is ten times worse. I admit I have been at breaking point and wanted to leave but because of our circumstances (mainly lack of financial independence and too many outgoings to meet) I can’t.
If somebody can tell me when this hell ends, please do. I cannot go on like this indefinitely. I do try to be supportive but I can’t do right for doing wrong. She is just impossible to deal with.
I’m a 41 year old guy with a 49 year old partner who is going through symptoms of pre menopause. She has become physically and emotionally distant, sex has become very infrequent and at times she picks and picks and picks at me about how I don’t do this or don’t do that. Nothing I say or do seems good enough and the overwhelming feeling I get is that of can’t do right for wrong. I feel unloved, unsupported and even disliked by her. It’s like we’ve become enemies. It’s not a healthy happy way to live at all.
I’m supportive,kind and caring to my partner but she’s none of those things to me in return, and it feels like borderline emotional abuse. She’s irrational, unreasonable and often she compares me to her own father, who was and is a disappointment in her life. But I’m not her father. I believe I’m a sympathetic caring guy who just wants to help but what I don’t really want is to be an emotional punchbag for my partner to vent on whenever she feels like it because menopause or not, that just isn’t right. No one deserves the undeserved wrath of a menopausal woman just like no woman deserves to be in an abusive relationship.
I’ve read some comments on here about how we men are selfish and lack care and understanding. I’ve done everything from trying to talk calmly, read articles about menopause, comforted my partner, cleaned the house, helped with our kids, cooked meals, made her cups of tea etc but still no matter what I do I know that around the corner at some point I’ll be the worst partner she’s ever had and I’m as bad a father as her own father. It’s very hard to take constant critisism when you know ots unjustified. It’s like a constant pushing of your buttons and it takes everything to not lose your temper in return because you’re being driven to the edge by constant abuse.
I love my partner, she says she’s confused and doesn’t know how she feels about me, that we need space etc and that I need to be patient. I wonder if women would be patient with their partners if the tables were turned and it was us men who were treating their partners like this.
Ultimately I think my partner needs help but she has point blank refused it and downplays her symptoms. I have the upmost sympathy and empathy for any man going through this.
Hi Alex, I am going through the exact same issues. I cannot do right from wrong and feel like I am living with an enemy. She has even sold our motor home without asking me . Moved into her mothers and treats our daughter badly. I have support from all the family but she says that I poison them all and am a liar. Oh and they are all wrong. Not a clue which way to turn on this as I have been threatened with solicitors but nothings arrived etc etc ……..Clueless
I have been with my wife for nearly 30 years, since we were in our 20s. We have 3 beautiful children aged 28.24.12. The last 2 years have been a little rocky to say the least but we battled through it and we was ok but the last 3 months it started again but a lost worse then before . I have to admit that 18 years ago I had a affair which I came clean to my wife about and that destroyed her at the time. Once she knew We spilt up for a few weeks but I worked very hard to get her back which I did in time. I am to this day really sorry about doing what I did 18 years ago and if I could turn the clock back I would has my wife didn’t deserve to be treated in this way by myself but unfortunately I cannot turn back the clock
I do think there is issues of some kind with my wife as up until 1 week ago she would be up and down with her moods and I’m not blaming it all on my wife at all but one day I would get a kiss and a cuddle and she would cry to me and then the next she would reject me. I am puzzled with that but then last week was a right blow as she said it’s over and that she is going to seek advise from a solicitor. I’m heart broken I really am. Since the horrible thing I did 18 years ago I have been a honest caring loving husband and father. I work very hard and supply for my wife and children and make sure that they never go with out. I help around the house as much as I can etc. A family member mentioned that she may be going through the women’s cycle but there is no way I dare say that to my wife even though after reading all the posts I believe she could be. I love my wife to bits and this is destroying me inside. I have also had to make a appointment to see my own solicitor to see where I go from here as I’m nit sure. We own our lively home which we have had for years mortgage free.
I’m not really sure what is the best way out of this but reading the other posts tells me I am not on my own. The last thing I want is for my marriage to end but I have no control now. My family do say that time is a big healer, I have said that statement to many of m people in the past but when it’s happening to yourself you just do not think so. I do also think that the lockdown as not helped as I have worked all the way through it and my wife has been stuck in the house how ever, you cannot blame that for what’s happening in your relationship
Life is rotten at times.
Such a very considered and thoughtful, and mature, and may I say, loving response. I completely feel you on all you said. Actually, I am very surprised at just how much men are affected by the onset of menopause in the woman they love, and it has reminded me not to get suckered into what appears to be the current collective mind-set that most men are rotten scoundrels. Sure, they can be some dirty dogs given half the chance, but I’ve been reading and absorbing all of the very heartfelt and beautiful thoughts and feelings here, expressed mostly by men. The case for menopause is very individual, and is the result of many, many, many threads entwining together. But there are some broad brushstrokes I believe which are common to many women, and certainly in part the debilitating mental and physical effects of the hormonal changes in our body are still I think something many people, both men and women, even those women going through it truly appreciate. I am 52 and have been experiencing menopause for the past four or five years at least. Your 50s is a time when there are often many changes taking place, externally as well as internally. Major changes such a parents passing away as did my mother a couple of years ago; you start to feel the first twinges of a body in decline – mine was the beginning of night sweats and hot flushes, (and suddenly realising that my blurred vision when reading wasn’t the print’s fault). Children have grown-up, perhaps even flown the nest, and a family routine attendant with all the moving chaos of family life is now much changed. The decline of a woman’s physical beauty, or certainly at least how she perceives her own desirability and attractiveness can have a huge impact on her sex drive in combination with the hormonal changes. For me, it was trying to reconcile that I had reached a plateau, a natural one in which from here on in, no matter how well I look after myself, I am quietly in decline. Its a time of deep inner personal reckoning and a weighing up of where you are in life at that point, and what YOU truly think of it; its an acute awareness of your own mortality; its fighting the fear that perhaps you have run out of time; its fighting against a society on an issue that still greatly affects women in that once our physical sexual desirability starts to wain, we can become invisible so to speak – lose our identity in some ways. And I must strongly point out that I am NOT saying that these are stand-alone reasons for the behaviour that appears to be triggered in menopauses – for some it may be, but there is no one size fits all. We are talking about complicated matters of the soul with its colourful hues and black bleakness, and individual personalities and interpersonal exchanges with our significant others. Its related to experience and all sorts of other magical detail that is exclusive and personal to each one of us in the same way that no two human beings are the same. I have a beautiful, caring, loving husband who though he does not fully understand how this part of the journey feels for me, is working with me, is helping just by loving me, and on most days that really helps. But then there are the days when the machinery takes over and I am Lucifer himself and I tell him to leave, or that I want to leave. Ah..! This is such a deep subject that I could not possibly hope to do it any justice here; all I would like to say is thank you to everyone who posted on here – to all the men that care, to all and every one of us who in the end are just souls adrift in what can be a frightening solitary world, even as we are surrounded by those who love us and who we love. I guess all we can do is take care of each other and move towards love in any shape or form it takes, whether it just be apologizing sincerely for your hateful outburst, or just being grateful for the things in our life that so many of us have, but which is denied to huge swathes of populations across the globe. Just the fact that I live in a society where I am afforded the ability to make an appointment to see a doctor and receive help in the form of medication or counselling is something to be truly grateful for. Just the fact that I can jump on a website such as this and connect with other energies that has done something to comfort my agitation, and provided another foothold for me to inch my way through this. For all you women, and all you partners who are experiencing the frustration and sadness of this, just do your best, try and stay the course, move in love and even if separation is eventually the universe’s outcome, don’t be afraid to live an examined life. Don’t be afraid to live.
I am in this process now. My wife is real nasty. With my son and he is only six years old. She doesn’t talk to me for long time. She hates me for all her problems. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I want to call the police or social service. Because we need help. If somebody knows what to do in Canadá Bc . Please I need help. I don’t want to walk away. But I am close to give up. But I don’t want to live my kid with her. Please help
3 years in high school and then reconnected years later for the last 24 years. She is in her 3-4 th year of menopause at 50. Came home from work one day to a note on the counter telling me it had been coming for years, and if she didn’t leave now, she never would. Moved to her Aunt’s 3 hours away, back to her hometown. Already has a job there after being a housewife for the past 12 years. Been 10 weeks, still block on Social media and phone, only open communication is email. Will not talk any about our marriage, only bills, household or grand children. Blames me for it all, tells friends she’s happy and not coming back anytime soon, but does not rule out the future, lol. I am trying so hard to make myself move on and hope that one day she regrets her decision, but I can’t make myself do it. I sometimes feel like God is punishing me.
My husband decided after 36 years of marriage that I was no longer required. I was trying to get help and he decided that going out with girls in their 30’s would help him. I have been dumped like an old sofa, making me feel even less worthy. My children believe their dad is a paragon of virtue and all the problems are my fault. Having been through a crisis after 10 years of marriage when he decided to pursue yet another younger female I do feel it is all my fault as ai should never have had him back. Currently going through the worse time of my life ever and I don’t think I will ever get over it and definitely never trust anyone again. Male or female menopause aside he has crushed me and I cannot see any future. I was even driven to try and commit suicide due to the situation, never ever again. I do not hate men but I cannot go through this pain ever again. All i feel is overwhelming sadness that my husband could not be bothered to try and work at our marriage but I suspect there is someone else that he is now interested in but he won’t ever tell the truth so who knows. Coupled with not knowing about my financial situation and having moved in with my sister my life I has nothing positive to look forward to at the moment.
Hi there, just wanted to say, I enjoyed this article.
It was inspiring. Keep on posting!
I found this page after searching the internet for help, but I feel at my wits’ end. My wife and I have been together for 9 years and married for 5 of them. I am 53 and she is 45. In the time we have been together, we have weathered a lot – her ex-husband, despite dumping her, made everything really difficult when we got together. Soon after we married, it came to light that he had been abusing both children (boys, now teenagers) and we had to go through a social services investigation. When all the truth surfaced, he denied it and simply disappeared, but my wife had a massive breakdown. I was also left with 2 traumatised kids. I nursed her through it and she went back to work, got bullied by her awful boss, sacked for her mental health issues at 20 mins’ notice and then she had another smaller breakdown and we had the nightmare of a tribunal. At the same time, we have been dealing with the kids’ issues, which have been extreme.
My wife’s moods became progressively worse and she was violent, abusive and accusing me of having affairs, such that I was struggling to keep it together. I went away for work in 2019 – 6 months living at the other end of the globe and she struggled with it until my final month was nightly phone calls with her screaming down the phone how I had ruined her life. I came home early to Lockdown and home schooling and it was a nightmare. Our youngest child’s behaviour deteriorated massively and the last 18 months has been school suspensions for numerous crimes and finding out he was under the influence of a really toxic child.
My wife struggled with all of it and her perimenopause symptoms have been extreme. However, she won’t do anything to help. She simply blames doctors for being crap and I literally had to frog march her to the GP – who was a bit crap, to be honest – simply declaring that she just had to put up with the symptoms. At the same time, I feel frazzled as my wife doesn’t want to engage or try and self-help. She won’t commit to taking any of the medications that could help and seems to enjoy the torture of knowing how much it drives me nuts as I am really self-disciplined. I do the bulk of household chores and have struggled with the children’s behaviour as I have felt increasingly under fire. Our physical relationship is shot to bits too and selfishly, I feel lonely and simply there to make up numbers. I’ve dedicated myself to my wife and the children, losing touch with my own children in the process.
I’ve offered to pay for my wife to go private in the hope that it would help, but that gets dismissed, even though she’s done nothing else other than read some online stuff. It’s sort of come to a head, more due to me snapping, but I feel like there is little reason to go on. Yesterday, I needed her to help with providing some information I need to renew job clearances – if I don’t get them, I lose my job, and she simply refused telling me it was my work’s problem. I feel I can’t help her, but she doesn’t want to help herself and she is so bitter about life. Just a bit lost.
Hello bro, sry to read that but you are not alone, my partner of 15 years suddenly call the quits, but not before verbal and psychological abuse, gaslighting, and emotional blackmail. ri ignore the red flags I step in to rise her daughter, economically support her, rise our second daughter, and marching trough peri-menopause, and menopause, refusing seen a G.p. for treatment or couples counseling, now I realized that she was preparing this for at least 3 years she didn’t do it before for the simple reason ( same as you) she needs you, needs your support with the kids, someone with a job and someone to take care of all those things she does not want to…. Tough decision for you… Maybe you should reconsider step aside before it’s to late for your sanity, because I have seen it be sure if the stabilize her personal life in the future she will find a excuse to put you a side when you utility have finish…
Finally, the person whom I have share The last 15 years of my life decided to call the quits, I don’t lie..I kind of had seen the signs for the last 3 years but her refusal for marriage consuling, or any type of therapy should have put me on guard… Even that I decided to ignore all of that, and hope for the best to get fix by itself each time… A bad combination of covid lockdown, perimenopause, and menopause can make (in the case of my partner) seen everything much clear for her, and the phrase ” I have never feel better and empower than now…” can actually push people to take bad decisions and for consequence destroy emotionally at the partner who endure it… (Me). After reading some of the post here I have realised after all that my partner is not evil or a “bitch” , she did not cheat on my with someone else (as far as I know), it wasn’t motivated due to an abusive relationship (I’ll give all my best to her without hesitation, and support her through failed business and bad real state decisions.., rising her daughter since she was 5 until I watch her go at the age of 20 to start her own chapter in life) having a happy accident and welcome to this world another baby girl when she was in her early 40s until this point on time when the equivalent of the words telling me ” I don love you anymore, you are always way to nice and supportive with me, but you snore… So I want you to sign this… ” First reaction was “wow” and the feeling like getting married in a church and after the bride says I do you lift the veil and punch her square on the face… Took me for surprise, I had to ask her to give me some time to assimilate what I’m the actual WTF was going on and have enough time to decipher that the person I have been all this time just lost it… But… After all and going back I conclude she only seek her own convenience, found herself in her 30s with a daugther witch she was not prepared to rise, with an ex husband who did not know how to deal with the responsibility of rise a kid with a partner with a very strong character (he left when the bay turn was 4 years old) and me coming around after a bad breakup and starting a new life in a new city the rest is history… The point is she saw her own convenience, I was there to rise her own daughter when she’s did not have the time or patient, I was there doing things for her with every crazy idea she has, I was there for teenage phases when kids can be insulting or hurtful, and I was there with the new family addition no matter how tired I was …I was there… To help incondicional… I missed the signs that probably she really didn’t love that much, for each difficult stage of her life she need it someone to make it easier for her…missed the signs when the oldest grow and finally I was not a need to check to brush teeth, put to bed or deal with tantrums while she watched with no participation, I had become unnecessary a plant while her and my stepdaughter (her daughter) become closer and I fade on the background quietly. The history repeats with the youngest… And finally now I have become an emotional non sense , something that had made his function and now it needs to go with the hope everything for her becomes better… This tells me that she is emotionally crippled , she is incapable of feeling simpathy, and she only cares about herself… my advice to you it’s READ THE SIGNS DONT RUSH!!!! This goes for everybody Look always for red flags, I had plenty all disguise as “can you do this for me, ??’ or “your selfish, you don’t care about me..!” I got plenty of emotional blackmail and gaslighting at the beginning of the relationship and I decided to ignore it, thinking this person will change …
Now I had run my usefulness I’m left in pieces and waiting to move out when the restrictions are lifted
.. still I have no hate towards her, just sadness… After every dawn the Sun will shine… And a very important lesson was learn…at least on my personal case… Good luck and God bless